Thursday, January 19, 2006

More Info on the Colon Cleanse

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that you have to buy it online, either from Dr. Schulze's website or some other online herbal store. Don't worry, if your colon has waited this long, you can probably handle another week while you wait for your stuff to arrive.

It seems that a lot of people want to know more about my colon cleanse, and who am I to deny my public? As a disclaimer, this post might be a little disgusting - that's the nature of colons, I suppose - so if you're eating or feeling a little nauseated already, you might want to save this one for later in the day.
So, the colon. Did you know that the average American has between 6-10 pounds of impacted poo in their colon? And how many people do you know who have polyps or ass problems of some kind? Well, Nate and I are doing Dr. Schulze's Intestinal Formulas colon cleanse. We started with Formula 1, in pill form, comprised of things like aloe leaf, habanero pepper, garlic, barberry root bark, and a bunch of other roots and herbs to "get things moving." Basically, this is the part that gets you pooping. It will increase your bowel action and the amount of poop, and will change the consistency - your poo gets nice and soft. Then we moved on to Formula 2, this nasty black powder that mixes with water or fruit juice. This is where the magic happens. The combination of clay, apple pectin, and charcoal draws out the toxins that are in your colon and neutralizes them (ever watch ER? they give the overdosers charcoal). Meanwhile, you're supposed to be taking some of the pills at dinnertime, so you're pooping a lot and getting the badness out. The whole detox is supposed to take about two weeks. You can eat normally while you do the detox, but you should increase your water intake, just to keep things healthy and moving. Also, expect some gas. Here's a quote from Dr. Schulze's website: "Gas can be created when doing any deep bowel cleansing because intestinal and gastric fluids react with old, putrid fecal matter that is being lifted off the walls of the colon." Mmmm mmmm!
Here's where it gets nasty, friends. Seriously, you should really stop eating now. This is a picture of a five-foot long fecal casing. It's not a turd, but a poo lining. This is food sludge that hardened onto the inside of a guy's colon and bowel. Now, he didn't poop this out during his first colon cleanse; it happened after four or five of these two-week ordeals. Dr. Schulze estimates that this is 10-15 YEARS of backed-up fecal matter.
I'm feeling pretty good right now - I have the soft poop, but I haven't produced any tapeworms or whole French fries or anything, but I'm still in my first week. Maybe soon...
If you want more information, go to Dr. Schulze's website and look around. This is the page for the intestinal detox program, but he also has kidney detoxes and other stuff.
Hope that clears things up for you - I'll tell you how it turns out!

10 comments:

Dustin J. Harder said...

i chose not to read this post.

ryan d said...

But Amanda, where do we purchase these magical colon cleansing products? Through the dude's website? I can't wait that long!!

Kate said...

I'm probably the only one this doesn't gross out. I have my own colon probs. Just a little thingy called "ulcerative colitis". It's super ~fun~ too. Good luck with the cleanse. I should probably give it a try sometime too, though maybe I'll just wait a couple years for my next colonoscopy. More ~fun~ !

Chargenda said...

I am fascinated and grossed out all at once. I think I need to do this since my dad had diverticulitis and stuff.

noah said...

OMG I am TOTALLY doing this.

Beth said...

Here's a tip. Eat bran. Lots of bran. Does the same thing without the wait. Eat the foods they label as "roughage" Seriously. They don't call it roughage for nothing. Also, if you're iron deficient or taking any kind of vitamin supplement, you want to avoid anything with charcoal in it because the charcoal coats the matter and prevents you from absorbing the nutrients of what you ingest. That's why they give it to overdosers, so their bodies won't absorb the medicine. So be careful folks! Also, charcoal could make you have uncontrollable diarrhea. Just a thought . . . go with the bran! lol

Timmy D said...

Um, does Schulze's ask you to send your fecal production in to them, or where the hail did this picture come from? Either way...

equippedtofascinate said...

I'm confused by a few things that you wrote about Manders. First, I don't think anything in the colon is able to be absorbed into the body anymore. Once things get that far, they aren't able to be digested any further. I don't think the charcoal coating things in the colon does much to detoxify. I could be wrong though. Also, is it possible to have 10-15 years of backup in there? Since things are constantly moving through, wouldn't all old things be out within a few days unless you have a blockage? Let me know what the Dr says, I'm intrigued.
P.S. Molly told me to tell you hi and that she just developed some pictures she found from her wedding and there is a "cute one" of you two.

Ashlee said...

This is roughly the same thing I had to do for my Lower GI last July. Only mine was done over a 24-hour period with crazy strong chemicals. Do the math on that one, folks. Not pretty. However, the doc that was taking the photos was all, "Nice work! Squeaky clean!" He was quite impressed, and I have to say I was a little proud. Good for you guys! Way to clean the chute! You'll feel much lighter (and oddly enough, cleaner) after it's finished.

szarqahe said...

Once had to do the chemical cleanse (stuff called X-Prep..black bottle!..scary!) I had never prayed to die before that night I did. I happened to be wearing a 24-hour blood pressure cuff and the next day when the tech read the results she said,"Had a little trouble last night, did we?" I think this time I'll try the 2 week version instead of the 12-hour variety. Oy.