Monday, February 22, 2010

A Lesson on Chew

Good afternoon, class. Today I'm going to go over the guidelines for using chewing tobacco in a public place. Clearly, NOT using chewing tobacco in a public place is preferable, but sometimes needs must be met, so please take note of the proper way.

1 - find a containment device (henceforth known as a "spitter") with a lid. Your best option is a plastic bottle with a lid - juice bottle, soda bottle, water bottle, as long as it has a lid, you can use it! If you are not able to procure a bottle with a lid, obtain an empty cup with a lid. You can generally find both beverage bottles and cups at your concession stand.
(I've heard that, if you're using a cup, you should put some napkins in the cup. As I suggest that you use the plastic bottle option, I won't focus on the napkin aspect.)
NOTE: a wide-mouth cup without a lid, such as a popcorn tub, is not an acceptable spitter. Please, ask your concessionaire for an empty cup with a lid. Which leads to...

2 - USE YOUR SPITTER! Don't spit on the floor! Even if you are at an outdoor concert, rules of propriety state that you spit into your spitter.

3 - when you are done with your spitter, replace the lid or cap (see? just a friendly reminder about the plastic bottle!) and throw your spitter away. This part is crucial. Those that must pick up trash are appreciative that you replaced the cap, but really, they would prefer to not pick up your use spitter in the first place. If you are at an arena, coliseum, or stadium, where 90% of the crowd leaves their trash behind, then at least replace the cap. However, if you are in a fully restored historic art house cinema and yet still feel the need to chew, throw your own trash away.

Next week's lesson: how to flush a toilet in a public restroom!

filthy patrons - D-

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