MTV vs. The Big Four

Yay for requests! I have things to write about, and although they're not necessarily by choice, they're good choices.
Christa asked me to write about MTV vs. network television, and I am more than happy to oblige. MTV and VH1 are great - in the morning. I watch videos to start my day, which is way better than morning news shows. No one in their right mind starts the day with stories about war, disease, job loss, weather, and "human interest"stories about spring fashions. PLEASE, PEOPLE! I'd like to make my official pitch to all of you to watch music videos in the morning. Take, for example, the latest Rihanna video for Umbrella. This video is great. Nate loves the choreography and I love the costumes. It's one of those videos that makes my day complete.

But at night? There's no contest - network television wins hands down. I abhor shows like Scarred and Punk'd and Run's House and shit like that. Nunh-unh! I need a scripted dramedy like Grey's Anatomy - or if it has to be reality, then make it talent-based reality like So You Think You Can Dance or American Idol, not personality-based reality like Survivor or any dating show. I'll admit that the VH1 rock docs are captivating, particularly Last Days of Left Eye (and VH1 tends to be sharper and classier than MTV anyway), but those documentaries are few and far between. And I can only watch countdown shows so often before my brain rots - I'm over I Love The '80s.

Final grades?
MTV/VH1: before 10 AM - A-, after 10 AM, D+
network television: before 10 AM, C-, after 10 AM, B+
Bravo: when Law and Order is on, C-, when everything else is on, A

meh.

I have many exciting things going on in my life. I am getting married in less than a year. I am moving into a new apartment in six weeks. I have recently taken on a lot of new responsibilities at work. And yet - I have nothing to say. I don't do anything worth blogging about. For one thing, I don't want to write about work, for fear that my boss might read my blog. The last thing I want is to lose my job because I write about work - didn't that happen to some people? I also don't want to write about my wedding. People don't need to read about my favors or placecards or any of that other stuff. And I don't want to write about my new apartment because I don't have any pictures.

Here's where you come in. I'm taking requests. I'll write about (and grade!) anything you ask me to. ANYTHING. So - what do you want me to write about?

taking requests - B- (could be sweet!)

Foul!

WARNING: this post is about things that smell bad. If you don't want to read about the things that I think smell bad, just stop reading now. I won't judge you. In fact, I'll never really know, right? So if you've just eaten, or if you have a weak stomach, come back in a few days and I promise you can read about puppies or puffy clouds or something innocuous.

OK... now that they're gone...

Good smells and bad smells are subjective. My brother likes the smell of gasoline, which, although not repulsive to me, is a little weird. Bradford pears, in flower? I think they smell like stale sex; a far-off skunk, however, is pleasant to me and evokes memories of summer nights spent with friends (a far-off skunk, mind you; nearby skunk is gross). Hot trash, sweaty teenagers, and vomit are among the top of my list of things that smells bad; clean hair and Thanksgiving dinner are probably my top two smells.

I've discovered what is, to me, the worst smell ever: the subtle combination of poo and toothpaste. Poo is in and of itself a bad smell - we can probably all agree to that - but when you mix poo and mint together, it is truly and wholly disgusting. Sometimes I can't brush my teeth at night if I've just utilized the bathroom for toilet matters, because the residual poo smell mixed with toothpaste makes me want to hurl, so I just forego clean teeth altogether. I'm telling you, it's naaaaaasty.

I also really hate the smell of baby wipes.

Tell me about smells - what are your likes and dislikes?

bad smells - F, obviously!

A New Vision

I got new glasses today! Wheeeee! I love them. They make me feel like Superman. See, they're sweet-ass blue on the outside - and red on the inside! Don't eff with me, my glasses are awesome! I might just have funky enough glasses to tool around the mean streets of Ann Arbor now. Can you see me, walking down State Street, popping by Michigan Book and Supply, maybe getting a latte at Amer's, in THESE babies? I think you can!



new glasses - A

Rollerblades

I totally saw a guy on rollerblades today. I didn't even know people still used (wore? rode?) those anymore.

Immediately after I saw the guy on rollerblades, I thought I saw a lady on a Segway, but it turns out that it was a lady on a bike with one of those rolling kid tents on the back.

Things on wheels are funny.

rollerblades - B+
rolling kid tents - B- (convenient, but weird)

An Open Letter to American Idol

Dear American Idol,

Why do you suck so hard? There was only really one acceptable outcome for the top two singers this season: Melinda and LaKisha, and yet you have forsaken them both. Why? Why? I will believe that is has to do with the teenybopper vote, silly twelve-year-olds who want "one of their own" (Jordin) or a super-cute boy (Blake, who's not really that cute aftet all) to be the next American Idol. I hate twelve-year-olds. Nut you, American Idol, you have to bear some blame. You know what Dancing with the Stars does? They give the judges' votes some weight, and those get COMBINED with the votes of the American public. Think about it.

I am sad and disheartened, AI. Of course, I'll be watching the season finale, to see which sub-par singer wins a recording contract and the title of American Idol, but I will be watching not with excitement but with resignation. Fine, AI. You win.

a Melinda- and LaKisha-free American Idol finale - D (points awarded because they'll probably both go the Jennifer Hudson route and make it just fine without being the American Idol winner, thankyouverymuch)

Another Reason Why I'm Going To Hell

I am not making fun of stutterers. Stuttering sucks. I am glad that I don't stutter, and I am happy when people (such as James Earl Jones!) can overcome their stutters and become non-impeded members of society.

But this is National Stuttering Awareness Week - and there's something really funny about that to me. It's similar to the ribbons that people wear for every cause, even causes most people have never heard of - so you've got to have a week to go along with every cause and every ribbon. Do the stutterers really need a NATIONAL awareness week? Do they even want people to be aware of them, or would they rather be ignored? At any rate, when I read an editorial in a newspaper that was blowing across the vestibule at work, and when I read that it was National Stuttering Awareness Week - I laughed. The end.

me, on the bus to Hell - F
saving seats for all my homies - A+!

Blogging Scared

"Famous" blogger Perez Hilton has been slapped with a 7.5 million dollar law suit that claims he's been using pictures without paying for them, costing a certain Hollywood photo agency millions of dollars in lost advertising. Or something like that. Law is a mystery to me.
But what's not a mystery to me is - I've been using pictures that I procured from various Internet resources for the almost two years I've been writing this blog. Now, I don't think anybody's going to come after me - much as I'd like to think so, my blog doesn't have a worldwide, millions-a-day readership. Perhaps more importantly, I don't have any ad space on my blog, and Perez was charging $9000-$16000 to place an ad on his blog (hence the photo agency's lost advertising dollars). Nonetheless, I'm a little concerned about procuring pictures from the Internet. When I started this blog, I asked my mentor Chargenda where he got his pictures. I love him, so I won't tell you exactly what he said, but I'll say that he encouraged me to use Google. And so I do. Almost every time I write, unless I use a picture that I took with my own camera.
What's the point in telling you this? I might start carrying my camera with me, so if I want to write a post about, say, a certain book, I'll have to take a picture of the book cover - but won't that be even shadier than procuring a picture from the Internet? I guess the other thing that could happen is I could ask all my readers to contribute to my legal defense fund. I don't have seven hundred dollars, much less seven million.

pictures from the Internet - A-
getting sued for using pictures from the Internet - D-
my chances of getting sued for using pictures from the Internet - 7,500,000:1

News from the HELL NO! Department

Have I ever told you how much I love pickles? I love 'em! Dill pickles are best, followed by sweet pickles, and I'll eat a bread-and-butter every now and then. One of my favorite snacks when I was a kid was dill pickles and chocolate cake, and one of my top five taste treats of all time is the deep fried pickle at the Hofbrau in Interlochen (dill pickle, wrapped in cheese, ham and a wonton, deep fried, served with ranch dressing - you can eat it once a month and then your arteries harden beyond repair). I put pickles on my burgers, in my tuna salad, on deli sammies, next to fried chicken; my FILs bring me a jar of Nathan's Pickles every time they come visit (because I can't find them around here). I effin' love pickles, OK?

But this? This is not OK.

Kool-Aid Pickles Are New Taste Sensation

By JOHN T. EDGE

The New York Times

GREENVILLE, Miss. (May 9) - A gallon jar of pickles sits near the register at Lee’s Washerette and Food Market, a mustard-colored cinder-block bunker on the western fringe of this Mississippi Delta town.

Those pickles were once mere dills. They were once green. Their exteriors remain pebbly, a reminder that long ago they began their lives on a farm, on the ground, as cucumbers.

But they now have an arresting color that combines green and garnet, and a bracing sour-sweet taste that they owe to a long marinade in cherry or tropical fruit or strawberry Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid pickles violate tradition, maybe even propriety. Depending on your palate and perspective, they are either the worst thing to happen to pickles since plastic brining barrels or a brave new taste sensation to be celebrated.

The pickles have been spotted as far afield as Dallas and St. Louis, but their cult is thickest in the Delta region, among the black majority population. In the Delta, where they fetch between 50 cents and a dollar, Kool-Aid pickles have earned valued space next to such beloved snacks as pickled eggs and pigs’ feet at community fairs, convenience stores and filling stations. And as their appeal has widened, some people have seen a good business opportunity. Even the lawyers have gotten involved.

Children are the primary consumers, but a recent trip through the region revealed that the market for Kool-Aid pickles is maturing.

At Carver Upper Elementary School in Indianola, students in Jodi Sumner’s third-grade class have no reservations about the propriety of cucumbers flavored with vinegar and drink mix. When this writer, lugging a jar of tropical-fruit-flavored pickles, recently asked the 29 students who liked to eat Kool-Aid pickles, 29 hands shot up.

The names came fast: Ladarius, Fredericka and Kobreana, among others. So did the impressions: “It’s a candy pickle.” And “I like it the same as dipping hot Cheetos in ice cream.” And “Have you ever tried one with a watermelon Blow Pop?” followed by a pantomime of how the Blow Pop stick can be inserted so that the candy appears as a knob at one end of the pickle, allowing the eater to alternate between bites of sour-sweet pickle and licks of sweet-sour Blow Pop.

Nobody knows just who first decided that pickles would be improved by a bath in sugared drink mix, or when, but the invention seems to be of fairly recent provenance. Typically, Kool-Aid pickle fans were born some time after Bill Clinton moved into the White House.

Billie Williams, 56, a special-education teacher at Carver Elementary, never saw one when she was a child. But she did eat dill pickles impaled on peppermint sticks, and she remembers how friends sucked the juice from cut lemons through peppermint sticks repurposed as straws. “That’s the same kind of taste,” she said. “Same as how they used to dip pickle spears in dry Kool-Aid mix for that pucker.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Blah blah blah - the article goes on to give a general recipe for making Kool-Aid pickles at home, and closes with the mention of a store manager trying to patent the name Koolickle. I have a feeling that the word Koolickle will haunt my dreams for many nights to come.

Kool-Aid pickles - D- (don't knock it 'till you try it, I guess)

Kids

I had the luckiest day off EVER yesterday. My good buddy T-Mama called me to see if I ws free to have lunch - and I was! Yay! So me, T, and New Mama had lunch at Panera yesterday (Panera gets a B+. Everything was delicious). But today, I'm grading the tiny friends who came along for lunch. Because they're kids, and I didn't ask their parents for permission to put their pictures on the Infernet, I'll give them code names. Let's see... on the left, you have Ariel, and on the right, you have Jasmine. Right? Disney princesses? Works for me. Ariel is T-Mama's littlest, and she's hilarious. She definitely wants to be spoken to like a grown-up, so I always ask her the same question I ask everyone who I haven't seen in a while - How's your life? Yesterday, she nodded, and showed me her earrings. Jasmine is Ariel's friend. We'd never met before, but we were good buddies by the time our day was over. Ariel and Jasmine certainly kept us entertained, and they were VERY well behaved during lunch and at the scrapbook store afterwards. Five-year-olds - A-

But alas, Ariel and Jasmine couldn't compete with Peanut, New Mama's baby. This bun is still supposed to be in the oven - he was six weeks early, and he's a month old now... carry the one... right, he's supposed to cook for two more weeks, and he is just the littlest thing. Granted, he's not very interesting right now - he mostly just lays around - but every now and then his little arm would shoot up like he had a very important question to ask. Super cute (and before you ask, no, I'm not ready for a baby. I just like to hang out with them every now and then).
Peanut - A

mid-week day off - A+

The Host

When you have the option of numerous free movies, you sometimes think, Pah. I will see nothing. But every now and then, a Korean horror comedy comes along, and you think, You know, it's been a while since I've seen a good Korean horror comedy - I think I'll check this out. Such is the case with The Host. From the moment that poster went up in my lobby, I knew I had to see this movie. Tiny girl being taken by an enormous watery tentacle? For free? Bring it on!

The Host was fun. The creature effects were great - until the very end. I won't ruin it for you, but trust me, the last time we see the creature, it looks pretty dumb. As for the characters, the main characters were all great, but the supporting cast was worthless. And as far as Korean horror comedies go, it's by far the best one I've seen. But something was missing for me, something unexplainable. I didn't love The Host. I liked it, but I didn't love it. However, you should all add this to your Netflix queues, because something like this doesn't come around very often.

The Host - B

This Blog Is "Awesome"

Last night I ate at Senor Lopez. I don't like the name of this restaurant and will henceforth refer to it as Rancho Grande.
Rancho Grande might have the best Mexican food in Ann Arbor, but in general, A2 has really bad Mexican food, so Rancho Grande doesn't really score bonus points. What I did like about them was their menu. They erroneously used quotation marks around things that really didn't need them - for example, Rancho Grande serves "authentic" Mexican food. Does this mean it's not authentic? And how about the tamales, which are made with "pork?" This almost made me not order them, because if it's "pork," then there might be all kinds of other shit in there. There were lots of other bad quotations marks, too many to keep track of, but I think there was some "Mexican" food and a wish that we "enjoy our meal." Non-native speakers trying to be hip, or sarcastic bastards? I "don't know."

misplaced quotation marks - "C"

Oh No!

Taco Bell is going to remove trans fats from all their products! What am I going to do!? I think trans fats might be the best thing about Taco Bell. I am sure that they are where the delicious tastes come from. And by delicious, my friends, I mean DELICIOUS. I am a hold-out. I still love Taco Bell. I used to be able to eat Taco Bell three or four times a week; now, I can probably only eat it once a week, but I only actually eat it once a month. But man oh man, what I wouldn't give for an old-school Mexian pizza right now. You know what I'm talking about - when Mexican pizzas first came out, not only were they sliced into quarters (cheap bastards won't even do that anymore), but they were topped with a sprinkle of green onions and four little black olives - one per each quarter! Those were the good ol' days.

Taco Bell, don't take away all the trans fats. Leave 'em in the bean burrito, or the cinnamon twists. Give me something to hold onto.

bye bye trans fats - C+ (how can something be simultaneously so good for my body and so bad for my taste buds?)

A Year Ago Today

These happy people were wed one year ago today. When I called the groom this morning and asked "What are you guys going to do today?" he said:

We're going to get up, make some coffee, and eat our frozen wedding cake... and then I'm going to go buy an anniversary present.

Now that's love!

Happy Anniversary, kids! - A+

Everything Must Go!

While out on yet another shopping trip this weekend, I discovered that our friendly neighborhood Pier 1 was going out of business. Sad as it is (where will all the children buy their papasans?), I jumped at the chance to do some bargain shopping... but Pier 1 let me down. I suppose they shouldn't be blamed - after all, everyone wants to do a little bargain shopping - but pickin's were slim. I had hoped to get a few things to stock my gift supply kiosk - what, you didn't know that I aspire to be the lady who keeps a supply of gifts on hand just in case one is ever needed? Please! Anyone who loves gift wrap as much as I do knows that you should always have a stock of candles, coffee mugs and wine on hand so you can give a gift at a moment's notice. But alas, those decorative items were the first to go. There were some crazy pillows, and a few janky candles, and not much else. I managed to find a couple things for my FMIL, and if she doesn't like 'em, no big deal, because they were CHEAP! I also found a charming little picture frame that matches the decor of my living room. Good times.

SALE! SALE! - B

Shortbus

I saw some penises last night. I saw a whole bunch of other things, too. Shortbus is about sex, plain and simple. It's also about the complexities of relationships and being comfortable with yourself, but ultimately, it's about sex.

And I liked it! It seemed... real. I didn't feel like I was watching fake characters, but rather, real people having real problems (but not in a creepy voyeuristic way). It's starting to feel like every story has already been told, and everything now is just a new spin on the same old stuff, but Shortbus was refreshing and new and... real.

But don't watch it with your kids, and definitely don't watch it with your parents. There's a lot of thrusting that mixed generations shouldn't watch together. I got a little uncomfortable in one or two sections - and not in a tingly way - with all the sex that I was seeing, but the uncomfortableness would vanish right away with the next super-funny or poignant scene. Shortbus is one of those movies that you could probably go forever without seeing, but you'd be missing out.

Shortbus - B+

Bagel Bender

I have been on a bagel bender for the past two days. I had a delicious bagel for lunch yesterday, made my favorite special way, and TWO bagels on Sunday. I think I've had so many bagels in recent days because that first bagel, eaten Sunday afternoon, was kind of gross. A summary:
Bruegger's Bagels: whole wheat, with garden veggie cream cheese - not delicious. I asked the lady to tosat it, and she didn't, and the cream cheese was clumpy. Not spoiled, that's just the consistency of their cream cheese - more grainy than smooth. But it was vey disappointing (I'd give it a C-) and it did not satisfy my bagel craving.

So, Sunday night AND yesterday for lunch, I had my special bagel sandwich from Amer's Mediterranean Deli: honey wheat bagel, toasted, with low fat veggie cream cheese, add tomato, cucumber and avocado. YUMMERS (A, for sure). I might be able to eat it for lunch every day - and it's cheap, too! Less than three dollars (less than two dollars if you go in at 10:50 PM when they close at 11)! I'm done with bagels for now, but I'll probably be back next week.

bagel bender - B+

A Great and Terrible Beauty

Since I love young adult literature so much, it's usually one of the first things I check out when I go to the bookstore - and since the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants series so much, I usually start my YA trip in the authors-who-start-with-B secion. I've been looking at the cover of A Great and Terrible Beauty (by Libba BRAY) for a couple years, and I never bought it because it was a hardback - and unless it's Harry Potter or SOTTP, I won't by YA lit in hardback. But good news! AGATB is out in paperback now! I bought it about two weeks ago and devoured it - not because it's the best book I've ever read (more on that) but because I haven't read anything new in a while, and just wanted to get into a new story.

But this book wasn't awesome. It was entertaining, and I always enjoy a story centered around strong female characters, but the ending was ultra lame. I wanted there to be a big battle instead of a fading away - but fading away is what I got. Plus, how many books about English girls in India do there really need to be? Or English girls whose parents die? (Trust me, I'm not spoiling it for you). It was fun, and I suppose if I were 13 or 14, it would have knocked my socks off, but I'm 29, and it was just alright.

A Great and Terrible Beauty - B-

Braids

I have been wearing my hair in braids a lot recently. This is not an attempt to hold on to my lost youth (although I do think they make me look younger), but rather a chance at having a hair "style" that doesn't make me look crazy. See, I have a couple of hair problems. One is called fizz. It's different than frizz. Fizz is little baby hairs right around the hairline at my forehead, particularly on the right side. When I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun, the fizz escapes, no matter if I use gel, mousse, hairspray or a combination of the three. In fact, if I use too much product, the fizz bands together into a fizz clump, which is even worse than the fizzy fizz. My other hair problem is called can't-be-bothered. It's been established that I don't shower every day, and I need a hair style that lets me carry on my lazy ways - but as I said, fizz prevents me from sporting a cute bun. So, braids it has been for the past few weeks, and I think they look good. Sometimes I do a center part, and sometimes a side part. I do have to keep a close eye on my ponytail-holder supply, but I'm in good shape right now.

And that's my story about braids.

Braids - A-

The Namesake

The Namesake was lovely. I don't really identify with issues of cultural identity (I'm pretty much white), but it was a compelling story that even the whitest audience member could get into. I really cared about the characters and their issues and dilemmas, and even though I looked at my watch twice, I was never bored. And the rumors are true: it is a beautiful film. Excellent cinematography. Oscar worthy? Probably not, but it's a film for the whole family.

My friend Erin has a theory that everyone has an ethnic twin - you know, a person of an ethnicity other than their own who would look just like that person if they weren't black/Korean/Indian/etc. I didn't agree with her until I saw this movie. Kal Penn is the ethnic twin of a guy I "dated" one summer. Remember China Boy (he wasn't Chinese, just going to China for a year)? Wow, do they look alike or what?

The Namesake - B+

Blue Karaoke

AFTER we watched Peaceful Warrior, and AFTER we ate at Chipotle Burrito (and after we went shopping, too - we were busy little bees), we went to Blue Karaoke for a box karaoke birthday party. Nate's friend and his sister have the same birthday, seven years apart, and they've been wanting to do box karaoke for years, and they finally got their shit together - and it was awesome. Totally and completely awesome.

To start, we were greeted at the door by a very nice Korean lady - and a tiny white poodle with her ears and tail dyed GREEN. It was sort of like being in an anime cartoon. The NKL showed us to the Blueberry room, pictured here (all the rooms are named for fruits - those crazy Koreans!). Blueberry has two enormous leather couches, light-up tambourines, a light show, and tons of room for lounging on the floor (I got a couch spot, thank you very much). It also has the best karaoke background videos I've ever seen. All the women and a good portion of the men end up crying, there's always someone running and looking back in slow motion, the men get into fistfights, and sometimes there are dancing anime cartoons. Yay! What the song selection lacks, the videos more than make up for. It's weird to me that there was no country music, but whatever - there were plenty of '70s and '80s tunes, and we spanked 'em all. How do I know we spanked 'em? Because in box karaoke, you get scores. The karaoke machine scores you! How awesome is that? Everybody got an 80+ (except for the song that no one sang along to, which got somewhere in the 40s), lots of people got in the 90s, and two people got 100. Those performances were magical - simultaneously perfect and hilarious. And you can bring your own snacks! Nate's friends decided to have an Asian snack theme, with dried squid and Pocky. I'm not so much into dried squid, but the Pocky was delicious!

I'm thinking about a box karaoke bachelorette party, or maybe my 30th birthday.

One last thing - the building that currently houses Blue Karaoke used to be Ann Arbor's "spa." You know what I mean - a "spa" that's open from 6 PM-4 AM. Where you can get massages of many varieties. Somehow, that made the night even better.

Blue Karaoke - A+

Chipotle

Move over, Qdoba! There's a new burrito in town. Chipotle Mexican Grill (or as I like to call it, Chipotle Burrito) is just like Qdoba, only ridiculously good. As you may know, I love Mexican food. Bad Mexican food is better than no Mexican food, and I crave it all the time (I blame my upbringing in southwest Texas). Nate and I, on our friend's recommendation, ate at Chipotle Burrito on Saturday, and I was not disappointed. I ordered the carnitas burrito - they actually serve pork at this chain! - and for some reason, the lady making my burrito gave me the beef barbacoa, but I am so glad she did, because it was DELICIOUS. And the spicy salsa was really spicy - everything had flavor. The only really annoying thing was that people in line behind us cut into the seating area and put down coats, so we ended up sitting in "someone's seat" and they were annoyed. Well, that's what you get for being a snoot. Wait your turn in line, bitches.

Chipotle Burrito - A-

Peaceful Warrior

There's nothing better than a free movie. Nothing! Even when that movie is made up cheese, schlock, schmaltz, and fierce gymnastics. I'm talking about Peaceful Warrior, a movie you've never heard of and don't need to see at all. Nick Nolte is pretty much unbelievable as a Zen master warrior who trains a gymnastics star who's searching for meaning in life, as well as Olympic success. Just how did Nick get on top of that roof? We are led to believe that Nick's sheer mastery of his universe got him up there. Riiiiiight. And the gymnastics! I've got four words for you: slo-mo pommel horse sequence. Awesome! And yet, not.

Thanks to Nate's tai chi teacher, who got us a free pass, and Nate, who downloaded the other. Like I said, nothing's better than free... but sometimes, free isn't quite enough.

Peaceful Warrior - F

Half Nelson

I am bad at Netflix. I had Half Nelson sitting at home for almost a month before I watched it. Good thing there are no late fees (thanks, Netflix).

I didn't hate Half Nelson, but I didn't love it. It was very well-acted, and for a movie without a real plot, I found it interesting, but it made me uncomfortable. Maybe that's the point - it's about a crack-smoking teacher, after all - but I found the teacher-student relationship inappropriate to the point that I was distanced from watching the movie for the movie's sake. I could only think "A teacher would never do that, even if he's a crackhead." The unrealistic parts sort of overshadowed the realistic parts for me.

Half Nelson - B

Hoe-Down

I made a quick run to the grocery store this morning to pick up quarters for laundry, half and half, and some breakfast meat. While wandering the meat section, I discovered that this weekend is Special Meat Days at my grocery store. Yay for Special Meat Days. It's nice when something you don't buy very often is relatively inexpensive. But I digress. To entice people to buy more meat, my grocery store was getting all gimmicky, with a tiny TV set showing some western movie, and... playing the "Beef-It's What's For Dinner" song on a portable CD player over and over again.

Ah, the "Beef-It's What's For Dinner" song. How it distresses me. It's not actually called "The 'Beef-It's What's For Dinner' Song," and yet millions of people only know it as such.

I'm here to set the record straight. Please, for the love of everything holy, call it Hoe-Down. It's called Hoe-Down. It's the last section of a wonderful ballet by Aaron Copland called Rodeo. And I hate that it's been corrupted by the beef industry. Yes, they've used it well, and I bet lots of beef has been sold and consumed because Hoe-Down is such a great piece of music, but can we go back to Hoe-Down? Please? Classical music fans everywhere with thank you.

Hoe-Down - A
excellent usage by the beef industry - A-
people not knowing what this cornerstone of 20th century American music is actually called - D

Another Reason Why I Love Canada

The front of their sign reads "Just Married."

Canada - A+

300

Here's your slightly inaccurate history lesson for the day: about a gazillion years ago, King Leonidas of Sparta defended his little slice of Greece with a scant 300 soldiers, clad only in leather Speedos and shin guards, against the enormous Persian army, led by drag queen King Xerxes. Sounds fun! I bet in real life it wasn't nearly as awesome as the movie 300. How could it be? The movie was awesome. I loved basically every second of it. To all the naysayers who say they didn't like certain aspects - you are lame. It's a movie based on a graphic novel (or "comic book," if you will). It's not a historical retelling! So what if the Spartans really wore full armor? I'd much rather look at rippling abs, pecs and thighs wiht just a hint of armor for effect. And you know what? Who cares if the blood disappears before it hits the ground? It is a movie based on a comic book. Get over yourselves and get into the fantasy!

Gerard Butler was awesome. I will pretend he never appeared in The Phantom of the Opera. Rodrigo Santoro was not awesome, he was just hilarious, but truly strange as the homoerotic, eight foot tall King Xerxes. But hey, an actor's gotta branch out every now and then. And Dominic West, and Lena Headey, and the guy who plays Faramir - all great.

See it now - go! Your boss/spouse/kids won't mind! GO!

300 - A

Dunkin Donuts

I don't feel bad telling you that the FILs hardly ever have "food" in their house. By "food," I mean "items naivehelga considers staples," like peanut butter, cereal, bread, milk, and Campbell's Tomato Soup. Eating breakfast there is either an extravaganza, with pancakes or poached eggs, or nothin' at all - and Friday was a nothin' at all. We began our wedding venue shopping fueled only by coffee, so around 11 AM, we were cranky and hungry - so what better place to eat a hearty breakfast than Dunkin Donuts?

Right. That shit was nasty. We tried to do the right thing by not eating only donuts, so we both got breakfast sandwiches. Never again. There's a reason the place is called Dunkin DONUTS, not Dunkin Sausage-Croissants. My chocolate-frosted donut was delicious, but my sandwich was super gross. Nate says his was gross, too. And the coffee was too hot. Yes, there is such a thing as coffee being too hot.

While we're at it, let's discuss DD's slogan: America Runs On Dunkin. Really? This is something to be proud of? No wonder we're all fat and pasty, if we fuel up on nasty breakfast sandwiches and gross coffee.

Dunkin Donuts - D- (saved from failure by the donuts)

Amical

Nate and I ventured up north this weekend to do a little wedding planning, and the FILs took us out to dinner at Amical on Friday night. Amical is a little bistro that specializes in French country cuisine - they make excellent bread - but sometimes the ingredients scare me. I don't especially like capers, Herbs de Provence, or lamb - so what should I eat at a French restaurant? I ordered some ravioli (ah yes, French ravioli) with mushrooms, pancetta, and little bit of bacon, and it was heavenly. I also had a chocolate raspberry torte-y thing, and it was awesome, too.

Often, when I go out to eat someplace a little fancy, I misorder, and I walk away disappointed and incredulous that people like said fancy restaurant. But not this time!

Amical - A-

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

NOT the best movie of all time. In fact, one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. Yes, the special effects were pretty spectacular, but the plot, character, dialogue etc. were all totally dumb. Kudos to Bill Nighy for acting through that ridiculous squirmy beard, but basically everyone else involved with this film should be put out of their misery. The whole thing was just a vehicle for the third one - which I'll see, of course, and hope that it's better than this one.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - D

The Devil and Daniel Johnston

This movie was brilliant - but totally weird. Daniel Johnston was this young man, artist/filmmaker/singer-songwriter, a little wacky but that's to be expected from an artist, and then he developed symptoms of... manic depression? Schizophrenia? Hard to say. But, he jacked up his career, went in and out of mental hopsitals, preached against the evils of demons, did some other things that I won't tell you about in case you see the movie, and now he's a middle-aged heavily medicated fat guy living with his elderly parents, singing songs that I just don't get. That's the story in a nutshell, and it certainly doesn't give you all the tragic nuance that is this film, but I guess I "didn't like it" because I don't think Daniel Johnston is a brilliant musical genius. I'd say he's clever, and talented, but I think he'd be just another guy who didn't make it as an artist if he didn't have such a major break with reality as he was finding a little local fame. The whole movie was painful, partly because of the subject matter, but partly because Daniel's music struck me as not that good.

The Devil and Daniel Johnston - B-

Music and Lyrics

Well, that's an hour and a half I'll never get back.

Music and Lyrics could have been good. In fact, some parts of it were good. All who saw it with me agreed that there was some "snappy dialogue," and the '80s music video at the beginning was, like, totally rad. But I never really felt a connection between Hugh and Drew. He's so cute in romantic comedies, and so is she... maybe his cute repelled her cute, acting like a similarly-charged cute magnet.

There are so many better romcoms starring one of these two: Four Weddings and Funeral, 50 First Dates, Fever Pitch, and Notting Hill (one of my all-time favorites). Just rent one of those instead of sitting through this one.

Music and Lyrics - D

Candyman

Oh Christina! You are awesome! This video is fabulous. Having a '20s/'30s/'40s vibe is one thing, but to totally go for it and have a full-on '40s video is excellent. And I love that she is singing all three harmony parts, with three different hair colors. Very smart.

And then there's the dirt factor. This song is DIRRRTY. I mean, come on. "He's a one-stop shop, makes my panties drop?" That's dirtier than Dirrrty - and we all remember that.

Christina, keep it up. And go brunette more often - you look fabulous.

Candyman video - A

Seva

Seva is Ann Arbor's home of delicious, slightly fancy vegetarian fare. They have all sorts of vegan choices or choices with no wheat, and lots of fresh vegetables and expensive beer. Last night, Nate and I went on a mid-week double date with some of our buddies, and Seva was the choice.
What's most disappointing about Seva to me is that I find it disappointing. Practically everyone in town loves it, and I don't. I've eaten there three times, including last night, and every time I've been there I haven't loved my food choice, while the people I eat with rave about theirs. The first time I ate there, I had some sandwichy-wrap thing, and I remember being unimpressed. The next time I ate there, I had a pasta dish with soy sausage (yep, it was "soysage") and it was kind of gross. Last night, I had the eggs rancheros, and the beans, eggs and tortilla were good but there was just way too much salsa and cheese, and everything turned into this orange soupy mess. I like my huevos rancheros a little drier. My dessert was super yummy, though, so the meal ended on a high note.
But like I said, practically everyone in town loves it, and I'm willing to give it another chance and try something I haven't had yet, like maybe the spinach enchiladas. One more chance, but that's it.

Seva - C

Oscar Wrap-Up

OK, I had to go back to the dark dots. Everything else sucked.

I didn't do so well in my Oscar picks - but then again, there were some surprises. I think if I had liked The Departed better, I might have picked it for Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Picture, but that still would have only brought me up to 15, and I wouldn't have changed any of my other picks. Chargenda got 16, which means that he whupped my ass for the fifth year in a row - can I buy you dinner this weekend, Char?

But here's the scoop on the rest of my Oscar night. Since I got my big job promotion, I've been making a conscious effort to not talk about work, just in case anyone I work with comes across ol' naivehelga. However, in the case of OSCAR NIGHT AMERICA, I have to share some stories and pictures. We were the Michigan location for Oscar Night America, an officially-sanctioned Oscar party. Somewhere along the way, my boss thought it would be a good idea to have someone act as the fashion police - and since I'm such a gifted actress, he asked me to do it. OK, he forced me to do it. How can you say no when your boss asks you to do something so crazy? So. I was the fashion police. As you can see, I wore a "cop"uniform. I sort of look like a mechanic, or perhaps a bus driver, but that's cool. People loved me. By the end of the night, people were coming up to me asking me to write their friends tickets for fashion violations. And I hung out with the real cops, which was super fun. They thought I was hilarious. They're my new best friends.

Oscar Night: the event at work - A-; the event in Hollywood - B; my picks - C-

My Oscar Picks

I have one more shot for you to call me Miss Cleo - here are my final Oscar predictions. Last year, I only got 16 out of 24. I hope I do better this year.

ACTOR - LEADING
Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland

ACTOR - SUPPORTING
Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls

ACTRESS - LEADING
Helen Mirren, The Queen

ACTRESS - SUPPORTING
Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls

ANIMATED FEATURE
Cars

ART DIRECTION
Pan's Labyrinth

CINEMATOGRAPHY
Children of Men

COSTUME DESIGN
Marie Antoinette

DIRECTING
Martin Scorsese, The Departed

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
An Inconvenient Truth

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
Two Hands

FILM EDITING
Children of Men

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Pan's Labyrinth

MAKEUP
Pan's Labyrinth

ORIGINAL SCORE
The Queen

ORIGINAL SONG
"Our Town," Cars

BEST PICTURE
Little Miss Sunshine

SHORT FILM - ANIMATED
Lifted

SHORT FILM - LIVE ACTION
West Bank Story

SOUND EDITING
Letters from Iwo Jima

SOUND MIXING
Dreamgirls

VISUAL EFFECTS
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

SCREENPLAY - ADAPTED
Notes on a Scandal

SCREENPLAY - ORIGINAL
Little Miss Sunshine

Check back on Monday to see how I did.

my final Oscar picks - B- (I'm scared)

Grey's Anatomy

If you're a regular non-watcher of Grey's Anatomy, or if you're a regular watcher but have missed the last two episodes, you should probably just skip this post and come back tomorrow.

So - I have two theories, and I want to get them down before tonight in case one of them comes true. The first is that Meredith is actually going to die and the audience will be treated to the rest of the season/series with Mer as a ghost and the stories still told from her vantage point, but as an omniscient, omnipotent ethereal presence. I am really hoping this isn't the case, but it seems plausible. My second theory? Two words: Bobby Ewing. For those of you who didn't watch Dallas, viewers once spent an entire season thinking Bobby was dead, only to find out that THE WHOLE SEASON was his wife's dream. I think that, for Grey's, everything we've seen for almost the entire first episode, the whole second episode, and all but the last few minutes of tonight's episode will have taken place in Meredith's head while she was in the bathtub. For real. She just slipped into a daydream while she was soaking in the water. This seems like the kind of mean yet stupid thing writers would do.

If either of these story lines is what actually plays out, you may all start calling me Miss Cleo.

Grey's death (dream?) sequence story line - I (let's see what happens tonight)

New Blogger

Let me reiterate how much I don't like the "new" Blogger. My blog does not look exactly the same, and it is not easier to use. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop blogging, but I'm going to look for a new template. Bye-bye dark dots.

new Blogger - D-

Masks

And we're back. Thanks for hanging in there. Here's a quick update on the very few things you've missed:

The Departed - B-
the new Blogger - D-
Six Feet Under, season 1 - A
Grey's Anatomy, season 1 - B+
Mr. Boddington greeting cards - A+

So - masks. They are probably the creepiest things on the planet (next to leeches, of course). I had to go to a costume shop today to look for some stuff for work, and all over the top shelf of this store were these super creepy rubber masks of famous people - and it was really weird and I had to get out of there as soon as I could. I saw a Ronald Reagan, a Lady Di and Prince Charles, and some generic Muslim bad guys, and all they were were blank rubber cases with eye holes and one fixed expression. And I bet they smell like condoms on the inside. Why would anyone want to wear a mask? Nasty McNasterson.

masks - D

Stay With Me...

Winston Churchill once said "Never, ever ever give up." Actually, he didn't - that's one of the most misquoted quotes in history. He actually said "never give in," but the sentiment's the same. Don't give up on me. I'm in the middle of a 58-hour work week, which leaves with no time to do anything worth writing about. So hang in there. I'll be back.

Winston Churchill - B+

The Illusionist

Well, The Illusionist is definitely not the best movie I've seen this year. It's entertaining, sure, but when compared to the other magic movie that came out in 2006, The Prestige, The Illusionist can't keep up. I didn't really care about the characters - so what if Ed and Jess wanted to be together but were kept apart by societal standards? Doesn't matter to me. Also, the film devices didn't move me. Same ol' story, period drama, inaccurate accents, fancy costumes, gas lighting - I've seen it before a hundred times. Most importantly, the magic, which should have been the best part of the movie, was sadly the worst. What was so great about The Prestige was all the tricks were explained. In this, so many things were left unexplained, which isn't what a moviegoer wants - they want the answers, dammit!

I did really enjoy Paul Giamatti's performance. I'm so used to seeing him as a bumbling Everyman, full of angst and depression, that seeing him portray a turn-of-the-century police inspector was really refreshing - and I think he might be a really good actor. Yay! He saved the movie.

The Illusionist is the sort of thing you can pick up at the video store when there's NOTHING else you want to see.

The Illusionist - C

WHAT!?

Apparently, Anna Nicole Smith died earlier today. And now there's going to be a media frenzy - TrimSpa, her son, her super-old husband, basically a re-hash of her tragic ridiculous life summed up by her tragic death. Every paper, TV show and website (oh yeah, and amateur blog) will have something to say about Anna. Poor thing.

I think the gay expat over at Boomtacular said it best: I'm wearing my Guess jeans at half-ass.

Anna Nicole - B

Fashion Week

Fashion Week seems kind of pointless without a Project Runway final runway challenge, but I came across a super awesome video last night while I was spending free time on the Internets. Every year for the last few years, there's been a fashion show comprised of celebrity models in multiple designers' clothes, but all the looks are red dresses. Why?

THE RED DRESS PROJECT

The Red Dress, the centerpiece of The Heart Truth, is a red alert that inspires women to take action to protect their heart health. The primary message driving The Heart Truth campaign is: "Heart Disease Doesn't Care What You Wear—It's the #1 Killer of Women."

Why a Red Dress?

The Red Dress was designed to build awareness that women are at risk for heart disease, and motivate them to take action to reduce their risk. As an icon, the Red Dress tested well with women across the country who cited its ability to get attention, convey the seriousness of heart disease, and change the perception that it is only a man's issue.

Back to Fashion Week - there's a new Heart Truth show every day at Fashion Week, with different models each time. The compilation video I saw yesterday features some downright bizarre "models" - Rachael Ray, Danica Patrick, Kelly Ripa, and the on-another-planet Betsey Johnson. But my favorite is Marlee Matlin. She starts plain enough, but turns it on when she reaches the end of the runway. Girl is fierce.

Watch the video here .

Marlee Matlin's next career - B+

Unbelievable in Seattle

Remember in Sleepless in Seattle when Tom Hanks tells his son that his dead wife used to be able to peel an apple in one long strip? And then later we see Meg Ryan doing the exact same thing?

That's horseshit! No one can peel an apple in one strip! I peeled four apples yesterday - I made a delightful apple crumble and it is super yummy - and not a single apple peel came off in one long strip. And trust me, I know how to peel. I've peeled a lot of things in my day: apples, potatoes, carrots, anything else that might need to be peeled, you name it. I'm a pro at peeling. And there is no way Meg or the dead wife peeled an apple in one long strip. It can't be done. And if it can, then it truly is magical and Tom and Meg were meant to be together.

one long strip - D+

Pan's Labyrinth

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Awards season is a very serious time. There's no messing around - if you decide to dedicate yourself to seeing as many Oscar nominees as possible, you have to be willing to see anything, whatever the cost, whatever the time, and no matter how many other movies you plan on seeing that weekend. That's why, on Friday night, Erika Stephanie and I (and our honeys) went to see Pan's Labyrinth. Even though we already had plans for a double feature on Sunday, we had to see PL while it was in town. So that's three theater movies in three days. We are machines.

I was scared to see Pan's Labyrinth. I had heard that it was creepy, and sort of gross, and sad. I also knew that there were some characters in big scary costumes. The only movie I could relate to this (in advance ) was The Dark Crystal, which really scared me when I was a kid. Thankfully, PL was way less scary than The Dark Crystal. Actually, it wasn't scary at all, but it was definitely violent. I was really surprised by the violence - some of it stylized, some of it historically accurate, but all of it really bloody and unsettling. No one needs to see a fairy get its head bit off by a big nasty humanoid with no eyes. No one. The trailers, ads and posters sort of imply that this might be a kids' movie. It's not. Don't take anyone under the age of twelve to see this.

The acting was superb, the storyline well-developed and the characters fantastic. And yes, it was a visual masterpiece. But overall, I didn't love it. I think I didn't like the intermingling of reality and fantasy - I'll watch a good fantasy, and of course I love realism, but mixing the two together isn't my favorite movie style.

Pan's Labyrinth - B-