Oooohhh!

My parking structure has a new elevator lobby, and it is very fancy. Not quite as fancy as this picture, but pretty close - the floors appear to be made of marble, in a lovely shade of light brown. Actually, it's just the floors that are fancy. Everything else needs to be finished, like the bare walls and exposed electrical wires and buttons, but the floor is beautiful. But I wonder at its necessity. It's just a parking structure, where hundreds of office workers park every day, but nothing more than that. Is this why my monthly fee went up so much?

fancy parking structure lobby floor - B+

Project Runway Recap

First, big props to Blogging Project Runway - they had this awesome photo over on their blog, and I'm borrowing it. Thanks, BPR!

Next, if you haven't watched the show yet, stop reading now.

Well, I need a little more time to get accustomed to this crop of designers, but I think I'm really going to like Rami, Carmen, Kevin and Chris. Rami's design was my favorite of the challenge, and he won! It was totally deserved. I also really liked Jack's design, but I think at some point his queeniness is going to make me not like him as a person. Time will tell.

Elisa is whackadoo. I knew she wasn't going to get kicked off because she is good TV. But seriously, that dress was a nightmare.

Project Runway premiere - A-

Photos: (top, l-r) Christian, Elisa, Jack, Jillian and Chris
(middle, l-r) Carmen, Kevin, Sweet P, Marion and Kit
(bottom, l-r) Rami, Simone, Steven, Victorya and Ricky
photos courtesy of Bravo and BPR

Project Runway!

Wheeeee! I am so excited for the premiere of Project Runway season 4. I'm getting ready by wearing my most fashion-forward outfit and telling all my co-workers "you're out." Of course, I have to work tonight, but if I know Bravo like I think I do, I'll be able to watch the instant reply at 11 PM. There aren't too many shows I'm willing to stay up for, but PR is one of them.
There is a bit of overexposure as far as the new contestants go, but I still don't know anything about them (figure that one out). I want to hate Christian - he's the one who says "I'm kind of a big deal" - but Tim Gunn says he's a prodigy and I bet his clothes are awesome. But Nate says that there always has to be a villian: Wendy Pepper, Santino/Zulema, Jeff (and especially Marcel and Hung from Top Chef). I predict that's the role Christian will play - the man you love to hate. I can't tell who I'm rooting for yet. If PR plays out like a typical reality show, a woman will win this season, probably a minority - so good luck, Carmen and Victorya! Keep watching.

Project Runway - A!

The FUUUTURRRRRE!

On Halloween, I got my palm read. I've always wanted to get my palm read - there was a weird little place where I went to college that would do palm readings and crystal ball gazings, and back in the '90s, it was ten bucks per reading. What a bargain. I love Arkansas. But on Halloween, it was a fun extra part of a concert at work, so I had Dr. Voodoo read my palm. He told me that I'm attracted to assholes. He also told me that I need to be more assertive and stop giving people the benefit of the doubt over and over. He also told me that it was possible that I would probably have one child. Yeah, thanks for the specificity. Good times.

palm reading - B-

Scab

Since I am not a member of the Writers Guild of America, I am not crossing any picket lines to continue writing this blog. I suppose that, in a show of solidarity, I could refuse to write until the Hollywood writers get their due... but that's no fun. Besides, I have stories. Stay tuned.

writers' guild strike - C (I support their decision to get what they think they deserve, but I do worry about the effect it will have on my TV/movie watching)

All I Want For Christmas...

... is for this rumored pair to be true. Please, Santa, will you bring me an Ashley Olson/Lance Armstrong canoodling in Cannes picture? Puh-LEEEEEZE?



surprising celebrity couples - A

J. Crew

Dear J. Crew,
I love you. I love your colors. My favorite look this season is your bright pink hoodie over a poplin shirt patterned with skiers. So cute, and so deliciously cozy-preppy. But if our relationship is ever going to flourish like it should, a couple things need to change.
1 - your sizing. Your stores tell me that I'm too fat, that you don't stock clothes in my size, and if you do, they are way too long because you don't have short-length pants. But I have a feeling that you've changed your sizes, that a real 10 is a J. Crew 8, a 12 a J. Crew 10, and so on. But I'll never really know, because I see that you don't have "my size" in your store, and I would never try on something that appears to be two sizes too small.
2 - your prices. That pink hoodie I love so much? Seventy-four dollars. For a hooded sweatshirt. The cute little poplin button-down shirt? Eighty-four dollars. That is way too much, J. Crew. When I wandered over to the sale rack the other day, you had a super cute navy-and-lavender cotton button-down, but marked down it was still about eighty bucks - because it had originally been $120. I'm sorry, dear, but that is just too much for what it was. I know some people will pay it, but not me. I won't even buy your $28 headbands.

I'm sorry.

J. Crew - C

Euphemisms

On Saturday, I took Nate and his two friends out to dinner as part of Nate's Good Times Birthday Weekend. We had delicious Indian food and a righteous time was had by all, and since I was feeling generous, I decided to pay for all the boys. Now, you should know that all these guys fancy themselves to be ninjas. There was much sparring and wrestling and purchasing of training tools earlier in the day, and I like to show that I can hang, at least as far as the witty repartee is concerned, so when they all started thanking me (because they are ninjas with manners) I said "You're welcome... no problem... but I'll be taking it out of your ass later on."
At which point Nate choked a little on his water and the other two ninjas said "WHOA! Didn't know it was going to be that kind of weekend! Har har har!" And then I realized: the euphemism "take it out of your ass" implies nothing more than a beatdown to me (i.e. "I'm going to take this out of your ass by tanning your hide"), but means something much... naughtier to most other people. How did I miss this? Was I absent the day the teacher explained this? And more importantly, am I really the only person who thought a different meaning was THE meaning?

Cast your votes in my comments section. "Take it out of your ass:" regular ol' spanking or something dirtier?

euphemism misinterpretation - C+

Dog Sitting

Nate and I have been dog sitting for the past few days. I sort of viewed it as a trial run for when we get our own dog, whenever that fateful day may be.
Sloane is, I believe, half terrier, half gazelle. She has the slimmest body and longest legs of any tine dog I've ever seen. And she can jump very high. One of my favorite things that she did is, when I was getting ready to take her for a walk and got her leash out, she would walk behind me and jump and use her front paws as a lever to springboard off my butt. It was hilarious. I wish there was a video of it. Sloane is also very cuddly. She liked to sit right next to me on the couch while I was watching TV, and sometimes she would rest her little face on my leg... so sweet!
But it wasn't all candy and roses. Sloane is a bit of a barker. By the end of her stay in our apartment, she was pretty good about giving one small bark when someone would come into the building, but on day one, she went nutso anytime the outer door opened or closed. Much time was spent saying "No barking!" Also, one day I got her poo on my hand. I'm not sure how this happened, but it was less than awesome.
We really enjoyed having Sloane stay at our house, and we miss her already. Come back, little lady!

Sloane - B+

Mr. Impatient

Allow me to set the scene: I arrived in the elevator vestibule of the parking structure where I park every day, after a long and productive day - meetings, paperwork, numerous phone calls, etc. Ready to go home, yes, but not in a huge yank or anything. I had already pushed the 'down' button for my elevator, and the light had gone out, meaning the elevator was on the ground floor, just getting situated and the doors hadn't opened yet.
Cut to: impatient guy. He speed-walks into the vestibule, comes to a halt in front of the elevator doors, sees the light on the down button not lit up, and pushes the button in rapid-fire succession about eight times. Whoa, buddy! It's on its way! The doors open, he gets in first, pushes the '6' button, asks me my floor (7- I was a little late), then pushes the 'close doors' button. Nothing happens - I think elevators are programmed to wait a minute before taking off, in case someone else comes tearing around the corner - so they guy pushes the 'close doors' button four or five more times. I'm starting to get the picture here. The doors close and we head up. We reach six, and the elevator does what it is supposed to do: stop and settle. The doors never open immediately when the elevator stops, right? Because that could be potentially bad, if there had been a malfunction or something. But Mr. Impatient can't stand it, and he drums his fingernails on the elevator door. Yes, the sign of impatient people everywhere, but in an enclosed space with one other person! It was so bizarre.
As soon as the doors open, he bolted out of the elevator to his car. I hope he didn't get hung up at a bunch of red lights on his way home.

Mr. Impatient - D+

Bikes

I think that bikes are a great alternative to cars for the health-conscious consumer without a lot of money. Let's face it - you don't have to buy gas, or pay car insurance, or take care of those pesky parking tickets, and all the while you stay fit. But last night, on my way home from work in the dark, I saw some bad bikers.
1 - the girl without the helmet, the least of the offenses. She had a flashing white headlight and a flashing red-and-yellow backlight, so she was doing her part to stay visible, but I think she needed a helmet.
2 - the guy without the helmet or headlight wearing a dark shirt. I feel that if bikers are going to observe the rules of the road at night, they should be wearing reflective gear, or one of those cool lights.
3a - the guy without the helmet or headlight who rode across the road against the signal - meaning that even though oncoming traffic had the green light, he rode across anyway. This is colossally dumb.
3b - the same guy was wearing headphones. This pisses me off. Maybe he was enjoying some tunes, but I tell you what, when he doesn't hear somebody honking at him and gets clobbered, he won't be enjoying those tunes when he's learning how to feed himself again.

I also saw, much to my horror, a good biker - helmet, headlight, light-colored shirt - fall off her bike into traffic and nearly get straight up runned over. It was awful. And all this happened in one short drive home. I had to eat cheese and crackers to soothe myself.

bikers - B-

Ella Minnow Pea

I read Ella Minnow Pea last week. This is one of those books that I see every time I go to the bookstore and think, Wow, I should really get that. So I did. And it was AWESOME. I loved it.
Ella Minnow Pea is a story about a girl named, naturally, Ella Minnow Pea. She lives on the island of Nollop, named after Nevin Nollop, the man who coined the phrase "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." It is a tiny independent nation in love with language, but all hell breaks loose when letters start falling off the statue of Nevin Nollop - and the town elders take this as a sign that those letters should be removed from language altogether... and to the delight of gimmicks everywhere, author Mark Dunn drops those letters from the novel. It's pretty incredible. The first letter to fall (don't worry, I'm not ruining anything for you) is Z - not incredibly dramatic, given its minimal usage - but then falls Q, then D, then J... and soon all manner of bad things happen. Can Ella save her town, her nation, and the English language?

Also noteworthy is this is an epistolary novel. Wow, look at the new word I know! This means that the whole novel is written in letter form - letter as in "Dear Cousin Ella." It's very fun, and I like it.

Ella Minnow Pea - A-

Try It, You Might Like It

At a recent work gathering, when fancy drinks and snacks were so generously purchased by my place of business, I decided to branch out from the things I usually would order and try something new. First up: the Pimm's Cup. I've been reading about the Pimm's Cup for years - they're mentioned all the time in one of my favorite book series. I did a little research on Pimm's this morning, so that you too can know what I'm talking about: Pimm's is its own kind of liquor, sort of like Southern Comfort, but Pimm's is gin-based (had I known that in advance, I wouldn't have ordered it - I'm not into gin). Pimm's Cups are traditionally made with Pimm's No. 1 and lemon soda or sometimes ginger ale, and always garnished with a cucumber. That's fun. I'd never seen one on a menu before, so I retracted my offer for a Cosmopolitan and tried the Pimm's instead. And... it was OK. I didn't love it. It was too much like champagne, or ginger ale, and I don't really like those, either, and it also didn't have a lot of flavor. I would have been better served getting that Cosmo, or just a beer.

Next up: mussels. Yes, I had never had a mussel before last night. I tend to not be into shellfish, and I think that it's a waste to try (read: pay for) something that I probably won't like - but this was one of those "get an order and pass it around and share" sort of things, so I tried one. And... I didn't like it, and this was not a surprise. It was the texture, sure, but I also didn't like the flavor.

I wonder why I don't like this fancy stuff. If we had gone to Buffalo Wild Wings for nachos and beer, I would have been all over it.

trying something new - A
not liking something new - C

2007 Breast Cancer 3-Day

Today marks the kickoff of the 2007 Breast Cancer 3-Day. I walked in the 3-Day last year - that's my team on Day 1. I'm not walking this year, but my team from last year, The Bodacious Tatas, are walking again, and some of them haven't reached the $2200 minimum, so go give 'em some money!

Kristen's page
Kimberly's page

This is an amazing event for a worthy cause, and these ladies need your support!

Breast Cancer 3-Day - A

Breach

This movie was pretty good. I'd label it a "psychological thriller," or maybe even just a good ol' drama - Ryan Phillippe and Chris Cooper star as FBI guys, and Chris Cooper has done some bad things and Ryan has to infiltrate the badness and bring Chris down. And that's all I want to tell you about the plot, so I don't give anything away. Of course, it's based on a true story, so you could always find a news story and get the scoop, but I'd rather talk about the movie. Lots of people have talked about how hot Ryan Phillippe is, and yes, he's a good-looking man, but he was actually not just a pretty face in this film. There was acting, decent acting, and I'm glad that Ryan has emerged from the shadow of his more-famous and more-praised ex-wife. As for Chris Cooper - the man is awesome. I've loved him for a long time, and this role was outstanding for him: creepy and a little sinister but highly intelligent and somehow sympathetic. There's been Oscar talk about Chris for this role, but I think the movie will fall off everyone's radar come nomination season. It's OK, Chris - one Oscar's really all anybody needs.

Breach - A-

Game Day, Part Two (A Different Kind of Game)

I won't event write the story. I'll just give the grade.

drunk/stoned/other guy passed out in the lobby at my place of business - D- (saved from failing by the excitement of a fire truck)

Game Day, Part One

Dear college-age football fans,

I appreciate how fired up you get about yet another home game. I also appreciate the joy of condoned daytime drinking (my readers might know that I'm a BIG fan of drinkin' in the daytime - it feels so naughty) and hanging out on your porch or your yard, sipping keg beer out of a red Solo cup - this is the stuff memories are made of, and I'm not being snarky. You go on with your bad self.

But please, under no circumstances is it OK to throw a football from one yard ACROSS A BUSY STREET to another yard WHILE I AM DRIVING ON SAID BUSY STREET. You looked like jackasses. I was actually hoping that the football would fall out of the sky and hit my car, giving me just cause for pulling over and tearing you a new one. And no one was behind me - couldn't you have waited an extra five seconds? No, because that would have cut into your beer pong time.

To you, football thrower guy, I give a C-.

love, Helga

I Love You, Posh!

Last night I happened upon Victoria Beckham: Coming to America on VH1, and you know what? I totally love Victoria Beckham. She was adorable, and so sweet and really pretty funny. This is a picture of Posh throwing out the first pitch at a Dodgers game - she's completely ridiculous, and look at her high-heeled sneakers, but that's what makes her so cute. My favorite thing she did on the show was go therapeutic shopping - she was feeling down because David and the boys were back in England and she was in L.A. house-hunting, so because she was a little sad and missed them, she went shopping. I love this because this is what millions of women worldwide do when they're a little down - but since she's Posh, she went to super fabulous stores and bought teeny tiny, very expensive denim shorts. She's very accessible and yet MAJOR. I've decided that I'm a Posh fan. I've seen through her glossy veneer to the gawky goofball underneath, and I love her for it.

Victoria Beckham - A

Jumpers

I'm not really into jumpers. I used to be, when I was 11 or 12, but now, I kind of think they're a copout - not quite a dress, because you have to wear something underneath, but not sweatpants, and yet they're comfy because you don't have constricting waistbands. I think my biggest problem with jumpers is the cute factor. Jumpers are inherently cute - there's usually a floral print, or plaid, or the top underneath has embroidered ladybugs or some such thing. Only kindergarten teachers should wear jumpers, because little kids need cute, bright colors on their teaches.

jumpers - C-

Le Dog

Is Le Dog an Ann Arbor institution? All I know is it's been around for 35 years and shows no signs of closing - ever. EVER! Don't let the name fool you - yes, Le Dog serves three varieties of hot dogs, but they're best known for their huge variety of soups, which they change every day. Just look at this picture! I went there for lunch yesterday with AJ and JJack. I had New England Clam Chowder, AJ had beer & cheese, and JJack had chicken tortilla; we had a little taste test in our break room. My clam chowder was very good - lots of potatoes and celery and the right amount of clams - and AJ's beer and cheese was pretty good, too, but JJack's chicken tortilla was the winner. It was loaded with tortilla strips, and the creamy chickeny brothiness was yummy.

Le Dog is a funny little red stand, and it doesn't look weather-proof. I thought they closed in the winter. I was so wrong. I asked yesterday "how much longer will you be open?" and the nice young lady said "Until 2:30" while the crusty old man said "Hopefully another 35 years." I said, "No! Ha ha! No, how much longer until winter?" And the crusty old man said "WE DON'T CLOSE! WE STAY OPEN! Have you been spreading that rumor?"

Yes, he's a bit of a soup Nazi.

Le Dog - A

Going the Distance

I wonder how long it would take me to run 100 meters. If the guy in the fron of this picture just broke the world record at 9.76 seconds... you'd probably have to multiply that by at least three... and then figure in some kind of ratio based on the size of my tatas... I'm guessing 40 seconds, from start to wheezing finish.

Anybody out there who ran track? Am I way off base?

running fast - B (cool if you can do it, not so cool if you can't)

An Hour That May Have Changed My Life

I watched Tim Gunn's Guide To Style last night, and I think it may have changed my life. I have already begun mentally going through my closet and sorting everything into four piles: keepers, menders, throwaways and giveaways. I'm going to start with - wait for it - PAGEANT DRESSES. I've kept them thinking that someday I would sell them, or keep them forever for dress-up clothes, if I ever have a little girl (or a fabulous little boy), but really, they're out of style and they just take up space in my closet. Bye-bye, pageant dresses! I'm also going to take this "mender" category seriously. I have clothes that might be nice, particularly pants, but they're just too long. I should give my seamstress acquaintance a call.

The thing I loved most about this show was Tim doesn't want you to change your figure and then go shopping for the "new you," but rather dress to fit the you who you are right now. I love that. I've had enough of "makeover" shows where the first goal is to lose weight.

And Veronica Webb is a bitch! I love her!

Tim Gunn's Guide To Style - B+ (points for featuring Tim, but points off because it's not quite Project Runway)

They're Baaaaack!

This here is my annual post bitching about the return of the university students. Jjack and I went out for lunch today, and we had to skirt around scores of college kids roaming the streets. I love my town from May to late August, when the kids are away, and I love my town from October-April, when I'm used to them being here, but I don't love my town in early September, when the gutters are filled with red Solo cups, debris left over from nightly beer pong, and the sidewalks teem with girls in big designer sunglasses and Soffe shorts and boys in white caps.

college: the return - C

Those Crazy Catholics!

I just got back from singing at a Catholic wedding, and let me tell you, those Catholics are nutty! After singing the whole service, I had to get up and try to do a rousing rendition of Schubert's Ave Maria - after I'd already sung about 43 songs! Why does the hardest song have to come at the end?

And here's something else: do you think the Pope ever wakes up and goes, Holy shit, I'm the Pope?

Catholic weddings - B+

Hey Buddy!

My friend Graham just stopped by! I haven't seen him since last summer. And he reads my blog, so I told him I'd give him a shout-out. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures of him, so I had to put up a picture of graham crackers - like he's never been called "Graham Cracker" before. Sorry, friend.

Graham crackers with peanut butter are good.

Graham - A!

Poor Little Lamb

Hang in there, Owen.

possible Wilson brother meltdown - D

Fondue

Last night I went to a fondue dinner party at Jjack's house - and it was simply delicious. Jjack and Mr. Jack did the fondue work while the Psych Boys and I did the prep work on the dippables. We had quite the spread - bread, apples, tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, broccoli, red & green peppers, bagel bites, mushrooms, and the incredibly popular mini-toasts. Those mini-toasts were awesome - not exactly easy to spear with a fondue fork, but when used by fingers, the perfect mechanism to pick up cheese. And what good cheese! We used a classic three-cheese fondue recipe with Gruyere, Emmenthaler, and Appenzeller cheeses, with some nutmeg, white wine and garlic. So good. We ate it all.

Then, after a rest & digestion period, we had chocolate fondue for dessert, and it was delicious, too. Dippables for this round were strawberries, raspberries, bananas, pineapple, marshmallows, and (the group favorite) coconut macaroons. We didn't do quite so well with this one - there was quite a bit leftover in fondue pot, but since we had annihilated the cheese, we didn't feel too bad about it.

This was not my first fondue party, and hopefully not my last, either. I like foods that require any kind of dipping.

fondue - A- (points off for the sick feeling I had after eating all that cheese and chocolate)

Quarters

Why is is so hard to find a roll of quarters on the weekend? I asked at three different places who wouldn't give me quarters - and one of those places was a bank. Yes, a bank wouldn't give me quarters. She said they were out of quarters and hundreds. OK, so this bank was in Meijer. They should still have enough quarters to give people on the weekend, when they know that folks are doing laundry and will need those extra coins. Seriously!

the elusive quarter roll - C

Where the Rubber Meets the... Playground?

Nate and I went for a walk Tuesday evening, and ended up at the playground across the street from our apartment. Oh, what a good time. There was swinging and monkey bars and funny little knobby seat things that you had to balance on. It was tons of fun, I tell you.

Most importantly, the playground gave me my first experience with rubber mulch. At first glance, rubber mulch just looked like regular ol' wood chips - but when I jumped onto it, good Lord! It was springy! It was a super-weird sensation. It was fun to fall off the monkey bars and have the fall be cushioned. But why do we need cushioned falls at the playground? When I was a kid, my school playground was covered in loose gravel, which made for some awesome scrapes if you fell down, but I survived. Is it such a litigious culture that schools have to put down the equivalent of chopped-up rubber mats to protect the children, so parents don't sue if their kid gets a scraped elbow?

rubber wood chips - C

Nickelsuck

It is no secret that I don't like Nickelback. Never have, don't expect I ever will. The sound of Chad Kroeger's voice makes me cringe, and his face ain't much better. That song "Hero," from back in the Spiderman days? It was probably the best of their tunes, and it was dumb. They reached what I thought was their low point with that "If everyone cared, nobody'd die" song, with the meaningful video about Amnesty International and Nelson Mandela. While I appreciate the sentiment, the song was atrocious, and I thought it couldn't get any worse.

I was so wrong.

"I Want To Be A Rock Star" gets my vote for worst song of 2007. This song is terrible. I understand that it's a send-up of celebrity "rock star" culture - I don't think Nickelback really wants to have a drug dealer on speed dial, or lip sync all their songs so they don't mess them up - but it doesn't work for me. It's not clever. The music sounds like so many of their other songs, and the lyrics are really, really bad (and don't forget, Chad Kroeger's voice). But the video puts me over the edge. Random nobodies lip-sync their hearts in front of world monuments - OK, I get it, everyone wants to be a rock star. So why are Nelly Furtado, Wayne Gretzky, and Kid Rock in the video? They already ARE rock stars! Do they just love Nickelback and wanted to do something sweet with their favorite band? I hope not. But they don't need the money, so what could it be? You know what? It doesn't matter. It just furthers my point that Nickelback sucks.

Nickelback - F

Tragedy at Dior

Back in February, my fabulous theater hosted Oscar Night America (in case you've forgotten about my outfit, you can remind yourselves here), and my friend JJack and I managed to snag two swag bags. Included in said swag bags were fabulous gift certificates from Christian Dior for: a pampering mini-facial, an expert makeup application, a relaxing hand massage, and a deluxe sample. After months of procrastinating, JJack and I decided that the time was right to go to the super-swanky Somerset Collection to experience the wonder that is free stuff from the Dior counter. Sounds great, right?

Not so much.

I will only briefly mention the part where we decided to toss aside our Mapquest directions and, as JJack said, "let fate be our guide" - the end result of which was a 55 minute trip that took just over two hours. I will also only briefly mention the man who tried to give us directions to "the mall" (when Somerset is so much more than a mall) but only made us feel bad for not understanding that some cruise was taking place on a major thoroughfare and we would be hard pressed to get there from here. Thanks for nothin', buddy. When we finally arrived at Somerset, an hour late for our appointments, the fun really began.

No facial. No hand massage. No sample. Instead, we were treated to the fine experience of horrible makeovers. Here's a before picture:
(much before, actually, from back in January)
Don't we look happy? Don't we look normal? We were trying on wedding gowns, just for funzies, and that was not the best day because we had horrible customer service, but at least we looked normal. Alas, here is the after picture:






















Seriously? Drag queens. Or hookers, maybe. JJack appears to have a grand total of seven eyelashes per eye, as well as the most amazing purple eyeshadow and skin color that doesn't occur in nature (unless you're Tara Reid). I somehow manage to look mannish and whorish at the same time - there is eyeliner on UNDER MY EYELIDS. I didn't think that was possible. Also, my lips were super effed up - and the amount of lip liner I had on couldn't have helped. And don't get me started on Blaine and Svetlana, our makeup artists from hell. Blaine was incompetent, and Svetlana was Miss Popularity - she kept flitting off to help other customers with their purchases. She must've known that we weren't going to buy anything...

When we went to get a snack at California Pizza Kitchen after the debacle had ended, they sat us in the corner. No lie.

For Jjack's take on the whole situation, go here.

tragedy at Dior - D-

Cold Stone Creamery

In a world of mom-and-pop dairies that provide excellent customer service and top-notch product made with only the highest quality ingredients, it's nice to know that there's still room for mega-chain ice cream stores like Cold Stone Creamery. Now, Cold Stone is delicious, for sure. On Friday I had one of their Signature creations, the Oreo Overload, with sweet cream ice cream, chocolate chips, fudge, and lots of Oreos - and it was good. Really good! Nate had the Coffee Lovers Only, and while I did not sample his concoction, it looked super yummy. But here's where my beef comes in with Cold Stone (and I don't mean that literally - leave the meat ice cream to Top Chef): why so many choices, and why the singing? Choices: yes, people want lots of fun things in their fun ice cream, but at our wedding, we're having five kinds of ice cream, seven toppings to choose from, plus whipped cream and cherries - and if you can't make something you like out of that, then too bad! I think Cold Stone would be well-served to get rid of the Gummi Bears and Nestle Crunch bars. Singing: people, you do NOT need to sing every time you get a tip. You do NOT need to turn TV theme songs, campfire classics and hip-hop favorites into Cold Stone songs, with Cold Stone lyrics! When Nate was getting ready to leave his tip, I said "Can we leave them the tip with the instructions to not sing?" He said no, and we were serenaded with the Cold Stone version of "SpongeBob SquarePants." I just wanted ice cream, is all.

Cold Stone Creamery - B-

MAAAANGROOOOOMEEERRRRRRR!!!

I went to Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday in search of a wedding present for wedding #48 - and by the way, after looking through 19 pages of registry items and falling flat on two or three fun ideas, I gave up and just bought the coffee grinder - and I have decided that BB&B is full of crap. Literally. Don't get me wrong, they have good stuff, too, but they have a lot of shit that people don't really need, and this point is clearly illustrated by the MANGROOMER. From what I can tell, the MANGROOMER is an electric razor on a long-ass wand, so that a MAN can GROOM his own back. Genius, yes, but necessary? Not really, unless you're allergic to wax. But, for some reason, worthless as it is, I love the MANGROOMER. I think I really just love the name, and I love the manly black-and-red packaging. Beware, hairy men. I might fall victim to the appeal of things no one needs and get all of you MANGROOMERs for Christmas.

MANGROOMER - B+

Terrible Twos

My blog has been very, very bad - and I blame the terrible twos. You see, for my blog's first birthday, I made a big deal - hooray, I've been writing for a year! But ever since my blog turned two, back in late July, it's been harder and harder to think of things to write about. And trust me, I've done things! I moved, went to three states I'd never been to before, found out that someone I know is having a baby, maybe booked my wedding DJ, and got to hire my first new employee. But at the end of the day, I don't want to rehash all that stuff. I want to tell you about funny clothes I saw or good food I ate, or the perks and pitfalls of trying new toilet paper. Althought, while I was writing that last sentence, I thought of two topics that might work...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love this blog, and I hope you hang in there. Once my blog is done running around naked banging on pots & pans, I'll be back.

the terrible twos - D-

Headline of the Day

They say a picture's worth a thousand words, but who needs a picture with words like this?

Zsa Zsa Gabor's Husband is Found Naked and Handcuffed to His Car

Good times.

what you do on your own time - A+

Vera Bradley

I don't get it. Why are Vera Bradley duffels, makeup bags, garment bags and rolling suitcases so popular? I understand that the founders felt that there was a severe lack of "feminine luggage," but this is their answer? Quilted bags (that look like they're going to disintegrate at the hands of one burly bag handler) in slightly ridiculous patterns that look like my grandma made them. Why have they become status symbols - at least, among a certain set (I've never seen Britney or Lindsay with one)? I think they're super gross.

If you really want "feminine" luggage, here's my suggestion: go to TJMaxx, Marshall's, or Filene's Basement - not quite first-run, not quite resale - and check out their suitcases. If you can't find one in a bright lurid pink, you'll be sure to find something in a fruit or animal print pattern. And you won't look like you pulled Granny's ol' quilted dog carrier circa 1974 down from the attic.

Vera Bradley - D (points awarded for identifiability at the baggage return)

Super Junky Junk Food

I love junk food, and I'm not ashamed. I'm ashamed of my big fat belly, but not so much that I'll ever completely stop eating things like pizza rolls, nacho sauce from a can, and McDonald's french fries. However, I draw the line at Bosco Sticks. Bosco Sticks are basically hot dough with a hot cheesy center, and some "parmesan" sprinkled on top. Yes, they are delicious - I had a few Bosco Sticks in my day, and that first one right out of the warmer is heavenly. But seriously, Interlochen serves them in sets of three, and that third stick is enough to make a person barf. No one needs that many preservatives and cheese and "bread."

I write about these sticks because I had to go to Gordon Food Service three times this week, and every time I was there, someone was purchasing a case of Bosco Sticks. Which means that people take them home and just make them themselves, for a side dish, or perhaps a light snack.

You know what else I saw at Gordon's? POURABLE PEANUT BUTTER. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

Bosco Sticks - D+
pourable peanut butter - D-
GFS - C- (major points awarded for convenience and the amount of kitchen supplies you can get, to counterbalance the points taken away for mass quantities of industrial food)

Running of the Doofuses

Why, oh, why did the worst injuries at this year's running of the bulls in Pamplona have to happen to Americans? The rest of the world already thinks we're obnoxious and stupid - and now we've proven it to them. Nice job, boys!

running of the bulls - C+ (kind of cool, but kind of dumb)

Tip, Please.

One of my new pet peeves is business establishments that don't accept tips on credit cards. I don't carry cash, and I pay for almost everything with my debit card. But I also like to tip manicurists and bagel preparers if they do a good job, and there are too many places around here that don't allow tips on credit cards. LAME!!! How am I supposed to reward good service if you don't take my plastic!?

no tips on credit - D (a few points because I guess in the long run I save a little money)

Overmilking

I like a lot of milk in my cereal. A lot of milk. Some might call it overmilking. I want every piece of cereal to be wet, not just the stuff at the bottom. However, I do like the very top layer of cereal to be crunchy when I first start eating. So there's a very specific cereal-to-milk ratio.

But I don't drink the milk at the end. This is wasteful, and my FH gets very annoyed. Every morning, when I pour the milk down the drain, he says "Wastrel!"

The only cereal I've found that holds up to my overmilking is Shredded Mini-Wheats. Sometimes I have to re-milk when I'm having SMWs - they're just so absorbent.

Also, when I was a little girl, my parents once made me have my cereal with Gatorade, because I had a cold and they were concerned about the effects of dairy on my breathing. Not a taste sensation.

overmilking - C+ (good for me, bad for cows)

OCD? Yes, Please!

There's got to be a word for people like me, who jump on an Internet craze and just go, well, crazy.

Here's a short list of Internet sites that I've been obsessed with:

Friendster
Neopets
match.com (this one worked out OK)
MySpace
Facebook
Blogger
other people's blogs
The Knot
Indiebride
Stardoll

And now, GoodReads. My friend Charlie (you may remember him as Chargenda) sent me a "friends request" for GoodReads today, and I am instantly obsessed with it. It's basically a social networking site for nerds - you review books you've read. There's a bit of a competition factor, I suppose - I want to review every book I've ever read EVER, so I have lots of books and people think I'm well read and cool.

If you want people to think you're cool and well read, go here. Start an account. Add me as a friend. And then we'll all read together.

GoodReads - A+

An Open Letter to Chorizo

Dear Chorizo,

It makes me sad to say this, but I feel I don't know who you are anymore. It's been so long since we've been together. I've forgotten how you smell, how you taste, the way you look longingly into my eyes on cold winter's nights. Why has this happened, Chorizo? And why do you send your "friends" to ask me how you are? There's this one guy, Anonymous, who keeps asking me about you. Doesn't he know that I don't know how you are? Why, Chorizo, why!?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you. But seriously, I don't think I can go on like this much longer.
chorizo - I

(happy now, anonymous-whoever-you-are?)

Comfort Food

Frannie Farmer asked me to write about comfort food, and for me, this is an easy one. Long before I was working on my wedding, the best way for me to cure my blues was a Brides magazine and a bag of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The mini cups have the perfect peanut butter to chocolate ratio (MUCH better than the big ones), and part of the pleasure comes from the near-constant unwrapping. Just thinking about opening the little wrappers and popping the cup in my mouth, all while flipping through the pages of ads and flower arrangements, makes me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside.
My other favorite comfort is Campbell's Nacho Cheese soup, heated to a fairly thick consistency, used as a dipping sauce for tortilla chips. I call this "nachos." It's not really nachos - those involve meat, beans, lettuce and numerous other toppings - but whenever I feel a little puny, I go to the grocery store, pick up a can of nachos, some milk (if I'm out) and some chips, and heat it up. And even though the after effects of my nachos and mini Reese's stay with me, on my hips and thighs, it's worth it.

mini Reese's - A-
nachos - A

Trilogies

Peach asked me to write about trilogies - and how can I say no to such a brilliant request? Although it seemed that Peach wanted me to comment on Pirates of the Carribean, Shrek, or Spiderman, and I haven't seen the third of any of 'em, so I have to leave them off. Sorry, Peach.

When looked at as a lump sum, trilogies are destined to fail. No movie can compare to its brothers - one is always going to be called "the worst of the three." However, when taken individually, the films that make up a trilogy can be considered some of the most entertaining out there. Here are my top five trilogy components:
5. Back to the Future - set up the whole thing - loved it!
4. Return of the Jedi - most people like Empire better, but I really dig those Ewoks, as well as the opening scene - when Han Solo says "I'm having delusions of... grandeur!", it gets me every time
3. Koyaanisqatsi - OK, I've never seen the whole thing, much less the whole trilogy, and I really only included this to be artsy and snobby, but the images and music are pretty outstanding
2. The Return of the King - oh, when little Hobbit sings that song during the battle sequence, I totally lose it
1. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - I. Love. This. Movie. I love everything about it.

And there you have it.

trilogies - B

She's Gonna Love You Long Time

Oh man, I am going to see Fergie tonight at the Fillmore Detroit, and I really hope she wets herself again!

free (for me) Fergie concert - B+

if Fergie pees her pants - A+!

Ice Cream

My good buddy Bethro asked me to write about either ice cream or coffee, and for me, the choice was easy. I LOVE ice cream. I have so many things to say about ice cream - and they just might fulfill some of the other requests people have made recently...

To begin, there is no choice but waffle cone. Sugar cones are fine if you're trying to watch your weight, but really, if you're that concerned about it, you shouldn't be eating ice cream in the first place! Waffle cones give a better ice cream to cone ratio, and the cone itself is much better than a sugar cone.

As for flavors... to each his own, I suppose, but I prefer the vanilla based options. Fruit flavors and actual ice cream don't go well together, I think - that's why you'll never see me eating peach ice cream or strawberry ice cream (toppings are a different story, but more on that later). I can eat the hell out of some chocolate chip cookie dough or Black Bear. In a pinch, a chocolate-based ice cream such as Bear Claw will do, and there's always Mint Chocolate Chip for an especially hot summer day. But nine times out of ten I eat vanilla-based ice creams. As for toppings, Hershey's Chocolate Syrup is far and away the best ever. Strawberries are good, and caramel is good, and other fresh fruit options are yummy, too. But I don't like those nasty things that harden when they hit the ice cream - Magic Shell? Gross.

One of the things that's NOT awesome about my new apartment is it's proximity to ice cream. Right now, I live two blocks from a delightful neighborhood ice cream shop, and I will miss it when I can't walk there. Also, since Nate shares my love for ice cream and neither of us really give a damn about wedding cake, we're planning on having an ice cream bar at the wedding. Several flavors, toppings, brownies, bananas, and maybe some Coke or root beer. YUM!!!

ice cream - B+

Interlochen

Meggie suggested I write about Interlochen (she also suggested I write about how much I miss her, but that'll have to wait a few days). For those that don't know, I used to work at Interlochen, an arts boarding school in the cold northern reaches of my great state. And although I can (and will) say many wonderful things about the place, I'll start with the bad stuff - because you know that's the fun part! These days, I call Interlochen "Crazylochen." There's something unnatural about a boarding school environment, not just for the students who attend school there, but for the poor saps who live in the dorm with the kids and are basically forced into being "friends" with their co-workers - because, let's face it, in the cold snowy woods surrounded by fifteen-year-olds, if you don't make friends with your co-workers, you're not going to have any friends. Also, because of the whole "I live where I work" thing, and the whole "I am surrounded by the same 19 adults all the time" thing, Crazylochen breeds some drama among its staff - just your basic, run-of-the-mill stuff, but you can't escape from it (did I mention that I lived where I worked?). Finally, and perhaps worst of all, in the short time I worked there, some unsavory characters worked there. Every year I was there, at least two people got fired for doing bad things with the kids - most drinking and general carousing. The environment is very appealing for young adults, and I think a lot of people had a difficult time being "grown-ups" when they were surrounded by teenagers.

It must be said that Crazylochen isn't ALL bad. For one thing, all that craziness and "forced friendship" can really draw people together - when you find the people you want to be friends with, you become really tight. Some of my nearest and dearest used to work with me at Interlochen - and while on some level we're all emotionally scarred by the experience, we were brought together because of it. Also, and this is the most important part, the kids are AMAZING. They are so talented. I know that some day, some new actor or writer or singer or painter will be winning all kinds of awards and I'll be able to day "She lived on my hall at Interlochen!" I miss it there sometimes - the energy with those artists around is awesome, even in the cold snowy hell that is February.

Interlochen - B