Stand Off, My Ass

What follows is an exact copy of my friend Zara's blog from a day or two ago. I have changed no words or grammar. Read it all - you won't be sorry.

mmmkay, so basically i went into work today. no big deal. it's a friday, everyone and their mother wants to rent a bagillion movies (horror films especially) and it is my job to see to it that they get exactly what they want when they want it. no, more than that. i am supposed to exceed the expectations of my customers with my stellar customer service skills. i fucking love blockbuster! i get paid for pretending like i give a shit, even if i don't. seriously, this is the best jof my life. so i am busy at the counter with this 50 something fat WASPy man serving him popcorn and unlocking the case to his "barenaked brooke" dvd, when he says, "ya know.....you're pretty good at this!" why, thank you. i know. and i'm new. and i rock. and for the first time in my life i am not serving people food (okay, popcorn is food, but not really)....then this mohawked fat ass comes up to me and says "....uhh....do you know what's going on out there?" i look out the window and there are 5 cop cars blocking the entrance and exit to blockbuster.....my blockbuster....i am thinking what the fuck???? i thought my last job was the buisness with the meth lab in the basement,,,, not this one!!!!!!!! then i see these two hoodlums who have locked themselves in a car with minnesota plates...right in front of our glass window/wall. great. the police get on the loud speaker and order these assholes out of the car. then the guns come out. on both sides. there is a complete stand off in the parking lot, and all i am doing is racking my brain to try and remember what the blockbuster introductory video said to do when there are hoodlumd with guns in my parking lot. the answer of course was to keep serving free popcorn. so that is exactly what i did. i was ringing someone up for the videos Saw II, Legend of Zorro, and Elizabethtown when the phone rings. The conversation goes a little something like this:

"Thank you for calling Cherryland Blockbuster where we have more copies of the movies you want. this is zara, can you hold?"---"No, i can't maam. this is 911". "oh, shit! hey, whats up?"--" The police presence outside your building have requested that everyone step away from the windows, and if need be, take shelter."--"oh, thank you very much." CLICK

so, apparently, in 5 minutes, my job has gone from asking people if the want any double bubble cotton candy that turns to chewing gum, to, hearding michiganders into the unwindowed portion of the store so they don't get shot. hoo-fucking-ray! of course i tell everyone to get back from the windows, but these people are fucking retarted. i swear to god. apparently, it more important to press your face up to the glass and look into the car of suspects with firearms, than it is to avoid getting shot!!! oy. michigan breeds some good ones. so blady blady blah. at this point, no one is alllowed to leave the building for obvious reasons. this girl comes up to me and she was like, do you have a copy of waiting?? no, we're all out. and then she goes to walk out the door. i'm like, "umm, maam, you can't leave just yet. have you noticed what's going on outside??" "yeah, but i left my lights on, and my battery is gonna die. "it really isn't safe to leave right now maam." " you are gonna make me late for my date! what am i gonna do, stay in blockbuster all night? i don't think." she then proceeds to walk out of the building directly in the line of fire from the cops and the hoodlums. a small part of me wishes that she would have gotten shot. not died or anything, but maybe shot in the finger or something. like JD in heathers. oy. well that was my day. no shots were fired. the badguys took their precious time and then surrendered. the cops stuck around for another hour or two. and for the rest of the night i had to answer calls from a bunch of newsreporters and the like. my favorite call of the night was this guy that called like three hours after the fact.

once again:

"thank you for calling cherryland blockbuster where we have more copies of the movies you want, this is zara, how can i help you?" --"hey, uhhh, like, what happened earlier? my friend called and told me that some shit went down."--"well, there was a stand off in our parking lot. lots of police presence, it looked like two suspects. There were guns involved but no shots were fired. Everything is fine. the suspects have been taken into custody, and the police have already cleared out."--"oh, cause, like, my friend called and told me that, but he is just the kinda guy that would call and say something like that, ya know? like, he is always say weird shit like that, so i didn't really believe. but, uhh, wow. so what else happened?"--"well, that was about it. we had to stay indoors away from the windows and stuff, but everything went well. thank you for your concern though."--"yeah alright cause i was like, no, this isn't for real"--"nope, it really was for real. all over now though, are there any movies i can help you find?"--"oh, uh, no, i just wanted to call and see if my friend was lying or not"--"alright sir, well thank you for calling blockbuster and have a nice day." CLICK

so everyone, how was your day?

Zara's Blockbuster adventure - A+