Foul!

WARNING: this post is about things that smell bad. If you don't want to read about the things that I think smell bad, just stop reading now. I won't judge you. In fact, I'll never really know, right? So if you've just eaten, or if you have a weak stomach, come back in a few days and I promise you can read about puppies or puffy clouds or something innocuous.

OK... now that they're gone...

Good smells and bad smells are subjective. My brother likes the smell of gasoline, which, although not repulsive to me, is a little weird. Bradford pears, in flower? I think they smell like stale sex; a far-off skunk, however, is pleasant to me and evokes memories of summer nights spent with friends (a far-off skunk, mind you; nearby skunk is gross). Hot trash, sweaty teenagers, and vomit are among the top of my list of things that smells bad; clean hair and Thanksgiving dinner are probably my top two smells.

I've discovered what is, to me, the worst smell ever: the subtle combination of poo and toothpaste. Poo is in and of itself a bad smell - we can probably all agree to that - but when you mix poo and mint together, it is truly and wholly disgusting. Sometimes I can't brush my teeth at night if I've just utilized the bathroom for toilet matters, because the residual poo smell mixed with toothpaste makes me want to hurl, so I just forego clean teeth altogether. I'm telling you, it's naaaaaasty.

I also really hate the smell of baby wipes.

Tell me about smells - what are your likes and dislikes?

bad smells - F, obviously!

A New Vision

I got new glasses today! Wheeeee! I love them. They make me feel like Superman. See, they're sweet-ass blue on the outside - and red on the inside! Don't eff with me, my glasses are awesome! I might just have funky enough glasses to tool around the mean streets of Ann Arbor now. Can you see me, walking down State Street, popping by Michigan Book and Supply, maybe getting a latte at Amer's, in THESE babies? I think you can!



new glasses - A

Rollerblades

I totally saw a guy on rollerblades today. I didn't even know people still used (wore? rode?) those anymore.

Immediately after I saw the guy on rollerblades, I thought I saw a lady on a Segway, but it turns out that it was a lady on a bike with one of those rolling kid tents on the back.

Things on wheels are funny.

rollerblades - B+
rolling kid tents - B- (convenient, but weird)

An Open Letter to American Idol

Dear American Idol,

Why do you suck so hard? There was only really one acceptable outcome for the top two singers this season: Melinda and LaKisha, and yet you have forsaken them both. Why? Why? I will believe that is has to do with the teenybopper vote, silly twelve-year-olds who want "one of their own" (Jordin) or a super-cute boy (Blake, who's not really that cute aftet all) to be the next American Idol. I hate twelve-year-olds. Nut you, American Idol, you have to bear some blame. You know what Dancing with the Stars does? They give the judges' votes some weight, and those get COMBINED with the votes of the American public. Think about it.

I am sad and disheartened, AI. Of course, I'll be watching the season finale, to see which sub-par singer wins a recording contract and the title of American Idol, but I will be watching not with excitement but with resignation. Fine, AI. You win.

a Melinda- and LaKisha-free American Idol finale - D (points awarded because they'll probably both go the Jennifer Hudson route and make it just fine without being the American Idol winner, thankyouverymuch)

Another Reason Why I'm Going To Hell

I am not making fun of stutterers. Stuttering sucks. I am glad that I don't stutter, and I am happy when people (such as James Earl Jones!) can overcome their stutters and become non-impeded members of society.

But this is National Stuttering Awareness Week - and there's something really funny about that to me. It's similar to the ribbons that people wear for every cause, even causes most people have never heard of - so you've got to have a week to go along with every cause and every ribbon. Do the stutterers really need a NATIONAL awareness week? Do they even want people to be aware of them, or would they rather be ignored? At any rate, when I read an editorial in a newspaper that was blowing across the vestibule at work, and when I read that it was National Stuttering Awareness Week - I laughed. The end.

me, on the bus to Hell - F
saving seats for all my homies - A+!

Blogging Scared

"Famous" blogger Perez Hilton has been slapped with a 7.5 million dollar law suit that claims he's been using pictures without paying for them, costing a certain Hollywood photo agency millions of dollars in lost advertising. Or something like that. Law is a mystery to me.
But what's not a mystery to me is - I've been using pictures that I procured from various Internet resources for the almost two years I've been writing this blog. Now, I don't think anybody's going to come after me - much as I'd like to think so, my blog doesn't have a worldwide, millions-a-day readership. Perhaps more importantly, I don't have any ad space on my blog, and Perez was charging $9000-$16000 to place an ad on his blog (hence the photo agency's lost advertising dollars). Nonetheless, I'm a little concerned about procuring pictures from the Internet. When I started this blog, I asked my mentor Chargenda where he got his pictures. I love him, so I won't tell you exactly what he said, but I'll say that he encouraged me to use Google. And so I do. Almost every time I write, unless I use a picture that I took with my own camera.
What's the point in telling you this? I might start carrying my camera with me, so if I want to write a post about, say, a certain book, I'll have to take a picture of the book cover - but won't that be even shadier than procuring a picture from the Internet? I guess the other thing that could happen is I could ask all my readers to contribute to my legal defense fund. I don't have seven hundred dollars, much less seven million.

pictures from the Internet - A-
getting sued for using pictures from the Internet - D-
my chances of getting sued for using pictures from the Internet - 7,500,000:1

News from the HELL NO! Department

Have I ever told you how much I love pickles? I love 'em! Dill pickles are best, followed by sweet pickles, and I'll eat a bread-and-butter every now and then. One of my favorite snacks when I was a kid was dill pickles and chocolate cake, and one of my top five taste treats of all time is the deep fried pickle at the Hofbrau in Interlochen (dill pickle, wrapped in cheese, ham and a wonton, deep fried, served with ranch dressing - you can eat it once a month and then your arteries harden beyond repair). I put pickles on my burgers, in my tuna salad, on deli sammies, next to fried chicken; my FILs bring me a jar of Nathan's Pickles every time they come visit (because I can't find them around here). I effin' love pickles, OK?

But this? This is not OK.

Kool-Aid Pickles Are New Taste Sensation

By JOHN T. EDGE

The New York Times

GREENVILLE, Miss. (May 9) - A gallon jar of pickles sits near the register at Lee’s Washerette and Food Market, a mustard-colored cinder-block bunker on the western fringe of this Mississippi Delta town.

Those pickles were once mere dills. They were once green. Their exteriors remain pebbly, a reminder that long ago they began their lives on a farm, on the ground, as cucumbers.

But they now have an arresting color that combines green and garnet, and a bracing sour-sweet taste that they owe to a long marinade in cherry or tropical fruit or strawberry Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid pickles violate tradition, maybe even propriety. Depending on your palate and perspective, they are either the worst thing to happen to pickles since plastic brining barrels or a brave new taste sensation to be celebrated.

The pickles have been spotted as far afield as Dallas and St. Louis, but their cult is thickest in the Delta region, among the black majority population. In the Delta, where they fetch between 50 cents and a dollar, Kool-Aid pickles have earned valued space next to such beloved snacks as pickled eggs and pigs’ feet at community fairs, convenience stores and filling stations. And as their appeal has widened, some people have seen a good business opportunity. Even the lawyers have gotten involved.

Children are the primary consumers, but a recent trip through the region revealed that the market for Kool-Aid pickles is maturing.

At Carver Upper Elementary School in Indianola, students in Jodi Sumner’s third-grade class have no reservations about the propriety of cucumbers flavored with vinegar and drink mix. When this writer, lugging a jar of tropical-fruit-flavored pickles, recently asked the 29 students who liked to eat Kool-Aid pickles, 29 hands shot up.

The names came fast: Ladarius, Fredericka and Kobreana, among others. So did the impressions: “It’s a candy pickle.” And “I like it the same as dipping hot Cheetos in ice cream.” And “Have you ever tried one with a watermelon Blow Pop?” followed by a pantomime of how the Blow Pop stick can be inserted so that the candy appears as a knob at one end of the pickle, allowing the eater to alternate between bites of sour-sweet pickle and licks of sweet-sour Blow Pop.

Nobody knows just who first decided that pickles would be improved by a bath in sugared drink mix, or when, but the invention seems to be of fairly recent provenance. Typically, Kool-Aid pickle fans were born some time after Bill Clinton moved into the White House.

Billie Williams, 56, a special-education teacher at Carver Elementary, never saw one when she was a child. But she did eat dill pickles impaled on peppermint sticks, and she remembers how friends sucked the juice from cut lemons through peppermint sticks repurposed as straws. “That’s the same kind of taste,” she said. “Same as how they used to dip pickle spears in dry Kool-Aid mix for that pucker.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Blah blah blah - the article goes on to give a general recipe for making Kool-Aid pickles at home, and closes with the mention of a store manager trying to patent the name Koolickle. I have a feeling that the word Koolickle will haunt my dreams for many nights to come.

Kool-Aid pickles - D- (don't knock it 'till you try it, I guess)

Kids

I had the luckiest day off EVER yesterday. My good buddy T-Mama called me to see if I ws free to have lunch - and I was! Yay! So me, T, and New Mama had lunch at Panera yesterday (Panera gets a B+. Everything was delicious). But today, I'm grading the tiny friends who came along for lunch. Because they're kids, and I didn't ask their parents for permission to put their pictures on the Infernet, I'll give them code names. Let's see... on the left, you have Ariel, and on the right, you have Jasmine. Right? Disney princesses? Works for me. Ariel is T-Mama's littlest, and she's hilarious. She definitely wants to be spoken to like a grown-up, so I always ask her the same question I ask everyone who I haven't seen in a while - How's your life? Yesterday, she nodded, and showed me her earrings. Jasmine is Ariel's friend. We'd never met before, but we were good buddies by the time our day was over. Ariel and Jasmine certainly kept us entertained, and they were VERY well behaved during lunch and at the scrapbook store afterwards. Five-year-olds - A-

But alas, Ariel and Jasmine couldn't compete with Peanut, New Mama's baby. This bun is still supposed to be in the oven - he was six weeks early, and he's a month old now... carry the one... right, he's supposed to cook for two more weeks, and he is just the littlest thing. Granted, he's not very interesting right now - he mostly just lays around - but every now and then his little arm would shoot up like he had a very important question to ask. Super cute (and before you ask, no, I'm not ready for a baby. I just like to hang out with them every now and then).
Peanut - A

mid-week day off - A+

The Host

When you have the option of numerous free movies, you sometimes think, Pah. I will see nothing. But every now and then, a Korean horror comedy comes along, and you think, You know, it's been a while since I've seen a good Korean horror comedy - I think I'll check this out. Such is the case with The Host. From the moment that poster went up in my lobby, I knew I had to see this movie. Tiny girl being taken by an enormous watery tentacle? For free? Bring it on!

The Host was fun. The creature effects were great - until the very end. I won't ruin it for you, but trust me, the last time we see the creature, it looks pretty dumb. As for the characters, the main characters were all great, but the supporting cast was worthless. And as far as Korean horror comedies go, it's by far the best one I've seen. But something was missing for me, something unexplainable. I didn't love The Host. I liked it, but I didn't love it. However, you should all add this to your Netflix queues, because something like this doesn't come around very often.

The Host - B

This Blog Is "Awesome"

Last night I ate at Senor Lopez. I don't like the name of this restaurant and will henceforth refer to it as Rancho Grande.
Rancho Grande might have the best Mexican food in Ann Arbor, but in general, A2 has really bad Mexican food, so Rancho Grande doesn't really score bonus points. What I did like about them was their menu. They erroneously used quotation marks around things that really didn't need them - for example, Rancho Grande serves "authentic" Mexican food. Does this mean it's not authentic? And how about the tamales, which are made with "pork?" This almost made me not order them, because if it's "pork," then there might be all kinds of other shit in there. There were lots of other bad quotations marks, too many to keep track of, but I think there was some "Mexican" food and a wish that we "enjoy our meal." Non-native speakers trying to be hip, or sarcastic bastards? I "don't know."

misplaced quotation marks - "C"

Oh No!

Taco Bell is going to remove trans fats from all their products! What am I going to do!? I think trans fats might be the best thing about Taco Bell. I am sure that they are where the delicious tastes come from. And by delicious, my friends, I mean DELICIOUS. I am a hold-out. I still love Taco Bell. I used to be able to eat Taco Bell three or four times a week; now, I can probably only eat it once a week, but I only actually eat it once a month. But man oh man, what I wouldn't give for an old-school Mexian pizza right now. You know what I'm talking about - when Mexican pizzas first came out, not only were they sliced into quarters (cheap bastards won't even do that anymore), but they were topped with a sprinkle of green onions and four little black olives - one per each quarter! Those were the good ol' days.

Taco Bell, don't take away all the trans fats. Leave 'em in the bean burrito, or the cinnamon twists. Give me something to hold onto.

bye bye trans fats - C+ (how can something be simultaneously so good for my body and so bad for my taste buds?)

A Year Ago Today

These happy people were wed one year ago today. When I called the groom this morning and asked "What are you guys going to do today?" he said:

We're going to get up, make some coffee, and eat our frozen wedding cake... and then I'm going to go buy an anniversary present.

Now that's love!

Happy Anniversary, kids! - A+

Everything Must Go!

While out on yet another shopping trip this weekend, I discovered that our friendly neighborhood Pier 1 was going out of business. Sad as it is (where will all the children buy their papasans?), I jumped at the chance to do some bargain shopping... but Pier 1 let me down. I suppose they shouldn't be blamed - after all, everyone wants to do a little bargain shopping - but pickin's were slim. I had hoped to get a few things to stock my gift supply kiosk - what, you didn't know that I aspire to be the lady who keeps a supply of gifts on hand just in case one is ever needed? Please! Anyone who loves gift wrap as much as I do knows that you should always have a stock of candles, coffee mugs and wine on hand so you can give a gift at a moment's notice. But alas, those decorative items were the first to go. There were some crazy pillows, and a few janky candles, and not much else. I managed to find a couple things for my FMIL, and if she doesn't like 'em, no big deal, because they were CHEAP! I also found a charming little picture frame that matches the decor of my living room. Good times.

SALE! SALE! - B

Shortbus

I saw some penises last night. I saw a whole bunch of other things, too. Shortbus is about sex, plain and simple. It's also about the complexities of relationships and being comfortable with yourself, but ultimately, it's about sex.

And I liked it! It seemed... real. I didn't feel like I was watching fake characters, but rather, real people having real problems (but not in a creepy voyeuristic way). It's starting to feel like every story has already been told, and everything now is just a new spin on the same old stuff, but Shortbus was refreshing and new and... real.

But don't watch it with your kids, and definitely don't watch it with your parents. There's a lot of thrusting that mixed generations shouldn't watch together. I got a little uncomfortable in one or two sections - and not in a tingly way - with all the sex that I was seeing, but the uncomfortableness would vanish right away with the next super-funny or poignant scene. Shortbus is one of those movies that you could probably go forever without seeing, but you'd be missing out.

Shortbus - B+

Bagel Bender

I have been on a bagel bender for the past two days. I had a delicious bagel for lunch yesterday, made my favorite special way, and TWO bagels on Sunday. I think I've had so many bagels in recent days because that first bagel, eaten Sunday afternoon, was kind of gross. A summary:
Bruegger's Bagels: whole wheat, with garden veggie cream cheese - not delicious. I asked the lady to tosat it, and she didn't, and the cream cheese was clumpy. Not spoiled, that's just the consistency of their cream cheese - more grainy than smooth. But it was vey disappointing (I'd give it a C-) and it did not satisfy my bagel craving.

So, Sunday night AND yesterday for lunch, I had my special bagel sandwich from Amer's Mediterranean Deli: honey wheat bagel, toasted, with low fat veggie cream cheese, add tomato, cucumber and avocado. YUMMERS (A, for sure). I might be able to eat it for lunch every day - and it's cheap, too! Less than three dollars (less than two dollars if you go in at 10:50 PM when they close at 11)! I'm done with bagels for now, but I'll probably be back next week.

bagel bender - B+

A Great and Terrible Beauty

Since I love young adult literature so much, it's usually one of the first things I check out when I go to the bookstore - and since the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants series so much, I usually start my YA trip in the authors-who-start-with-B secion. I've been looking at the cover of A Great and Terrible Beauty (by Libba BRAY) for a couple years, and I never bought it because it was a hardback - and unless it's Harry Potter or SOTTP, I won't by YA lit in hardback. But good news! AGATB is out in paperback now! I bought it about two weeks ago and devoured it - not because it's the best book I've ever read (more on that) but because I haven't read anything new in a while, and just wanted to get into a new story.

But this book wasn't awesome. It was entertaining, and I always enjoy a story centered around strong female characters, but the ending was ultra lame. I wanted there to be a big battle instead of a fading away - but fading away is what I got. Plus, how many books about English girls in India do there really need to be? Or English girls whose parents die? (Trust me, I'm not spoiling it for you). It was fun, and I suppose if I were 13 or 14, it would have knocked my socks off, but I'm 29, and it was just alright.

A Great and Terrible Beauty - B-

Braids

I have been wearing my hair in braids a lot recently. This is not an attempt to hold on to my lost youth (although I do think they make me look younger), but rather a chance at having a hair "style" that doesn't make me look crazy. See, I have a couple of hair problems. One is called fizz. It's different than frizz. Fizz is little baby hairs right around the hairline at my forehead, particularly on the right side. When I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun, the fizz escapes, no matter if I use gel, mousse, hairspray or a combination of the three. In fact, if I use too much product, the fizz bands together into a fizz clump, which is even worse than the fizzy fizz. My other hair problem is called can't-be-bothered. It's been established that I don't shower every day, and I need a hair style that lets me carry on my lazy ways - but as I said, fizz prevents me from sporting a cute bun. So, braids it has been for the past few weeks, and I think they look good. Sometimes I do a center part, and sometimes a side part. I do have to keep a close eye on my ponytail-holder supply, but I'm in good shape right now.

And that's my story about braids.

Braids - A-

The Namesake

The Namesake was lovely. I don't really identify with issues of cultural identity (I'm pretty much white), but it was a compelling story that even the whitest audience member could get into. I really cared about the characters and their issues and dilemmas, and even though I looked at my watch twice, I was never bored. And the rumors are true: it is a beautiful film. Excellent cinematography. Oscar worthy? Probably not, but it's a film for the whole family.

My friend Erin has a theory that everyone has an ethnic twin - you know, a person of an ethnicity other than their own who would look just like that person if they weren't black/Korean/Indian/etc. I didn't agree with her until I saw this movie. Kal Penn is the ethnic twin of a guy I "dated" one summer. Remember China Boy (he wasn't Chinese, just going to China for a year)? Wow, do they look alike or what?

The Namesake - B+

Blue Karaoke

AFTER we watched Peaceful Warrior, and AFTER we ate at Chipotle Burrito (and after we went shopping, too - we were busy little bees), we went to Blue Karaoke for a box karaoke birthday party. Nate's friend and his sister have the same birthday, seven years apart, and they've been wanting to do box karaoke for years, and they finally got their shit together - and it was awesome. Totally and completely awesome.

To start, we were greeted at the door by a very nice Korean lady - and a tiny white poodle with her ears and tail dyed GREEN. It was sort of like being in an anime cartoon. The NKL showed us to the Blueberry room, pictured here (all the rooms are named for fruits - those crazy Koreans!). Blueberry has two enormous leather couches, light-up tambourines, a light show, and tons of room for lounging on the floor (I got a couch spot, thank you very much). It also has the best karaoke background videos I've ever seen. All the women and a good portion of the men end up crying, there's always someone running and looking back in slow motion, the men get into fistfights, and sometimes there are dancing anime cartoons. Yay! What the song selection lacks, the videos more than make up for. It's weird to me that there was no country music, but whatever - there were plenty of '70s and '80s tunes, and we spanked 'em all. How do I know we spanked 'em? Because in box karaoke, you get scores. The karaoke machine scores you! How awesome is that? Everybody got an 80+ (except for the song that no one sang along to, which got somewhere in the 40s), lots of people got in the 90s, and two people got 100. Those performances were magical - simultaneously perfect and hilarious. And you can bring your own snacks! Nate's friends decided to have an Asian snack theme, with dried squid and Pocky. I'm not so much into dried squid, but the Pocky was delicious!

I'm thinking about a box karaoke bachelorette party, or maybe my 30th birthday.

One last thing - the building that currently houses Blue Karaoke used to be Ann Arbor's "spa." You know what I mean - a "spa" that's open from 6 PM-4 AM. Where you can get massages of many varieties. Somehow, that made the night even better.

Blue Karaoke - A+

Chipotle

Move over, Qdoba! There's a new burrito in town. Chipotle Mexican Grill (or as I like to call it, Chipotle Burrito) is just like Qdoba, only ridiculously good. As you may know, I love Mexican food. Bad Mexican food is better than no Mexican food, and I crave it all the time (I blame my upbringing in southwest Texas). Nate and I, on our friend's recommendation, ate at Chipotle Burrito on Saturday, and I was not disappointed. I ordered the carnitas burrito - they actually serve pork at this chain! - and for some reason, the lady making my burrito gave me the beef barbacoa, but I am so glad she did, because it was DELICIOUS. And the spicy salsa was really spicy - everything had flavor. The only really annoying thing was that people in line behind us cut into the seating area and put down coats, so we ended up sitting in "someone's seat" and they were annoyed. Well, that's what you get for being a snoot. Wait your turn in line, bitches.

Chipotle Burrito - A-